Hawke

My heart is yearning but Paris is burning... my heart is dreaming but Paris is screaming... 

Stuff has happened, I'm sure of it. 

Good stuffs.. but then I hit a sort of mini-trough. So I can't really remember anything. I must remember to blow out that candle before I go collapse. Else my house will be burning, never mind Paris. 

Sidepoint: did you know bloc party had released an album, albeit digitally? I didn't. Shamedface. 

Yeah, I hit what I thought was a downwards spiral, but then I didn't have enough time to actually go through it, so I feel a storm brewing for some point in the near[ish] future. It's probably not going to turn out to be majorly bad or anything, just me being angsty and mopey for a bit.. then cheering up.. cos hopefully I'll be back in the place of cobbles by then. 

Paralyse me... 

I'm nervous about going back sometimes. The rest of the time I can't wait... To be somewhere central with people, with an odd sort of freedom.. in that it's not actually freedom, but it feels it. I'm nervous about the fact that I'm supposed to have a Clue by now. I don't. There will be people just starting who might expect me to know something, to be good at something.. When they'll know more and realise that I'm a bit of a loser. And I guess I can deal with that; after all, everyone tends to be of that opinion. What scares me more is the same old thing of things going too quickly. This is the start of the second year. I feel sick everytime I think back to last year and stuff. Halfway hall this year. Halfway. I wanted uni to be a long expanse of time where I could have fun and mess about whilst learning what I wanted to.. and it wouldn't really matter if I didn't get the things sorted that I wanted to.. cos there would always be time. But there's not. There's two years. I've seen a year dissolve in front of me already.. will these two be the same? I want to take charge and be 'proactive' but when it concerns other people, I can't, it is too artificial and uppity and just.. wrong. 

I can live through this, I can live through worse.. 

Hum. I'm about to go off on a path which is well trodden but treacherous. I'm gonna wait for a rainy day. Improve the odds. 

Music:

Ladyhawke - Paris Is Burning

Santogold - Icarus

Bloc Party - Halo

Frightened Rabbit - Set You Free

The Cure - All Kinds Of Stuff

Le Loup - Outside of this car, the end of the world.

Radiohead - 15 Step

Kaki King - Gloves Off

Zephyrus

Hum..

It's been a few days.. 

I have lots to write but it's finding the point where I am in the right mood and have the right time.. 

And now the closing ceremony is on.. and it's so colourful that I can't help but watch... mm lights.. 

I will return laters.. attempt to say something that allows boredom to be forgotten for a few seconds... 

Hehe, they're all wearing cycle helmets.. 

~~~~~

='/

overhearing a conversation between your mother and brother re: you is not fun. 

Dusk Til Dawn

Stupid horses. 

Decided to go walkabout in the early hours. 

Humph.

Meant I had to go looking.

For two hours. 

And then walk them back in the DRIZZLE.

My feelings on drizzle have been well charted.

Eurgh. 

I want to be oblivious. 

I know exactly where I want to be and I can't be there til september. 

I should go be quiet in a corner and not bother people.

The Warning

Woah. Deja vu on the start of this post...

Odd. 

Right, these are the things I plan to cover..

• ultimate playlist
• songs that mean things/ that I can't listen to
• batman
• annoying doctors
• rain
• books
• comics
• messing up

There. I have a list which I can see, and you can see and therefore you know it is not worth reading. =) helpful. 

Ultimate Playlist:

So the other day, I tried to make an 'ultimate' playlist. It wasn't ultimate in the sense that it would be the best playlist ever, crafted so that the songs would fit together just right.. it was more of a 'the songs that I have been utterly obsessed with at one point' type collection. 'Cos y'know, I have to make a cd to explain my musical taste to someone and in so doing, explain me. The first cut was 1267 songs long. No good. So I had to reduce this to a semi-feasible list.. I did however, realise that there was no way that I would make a nice cut and dry 21 track cd. Just not possible. I mean, I guess it would be if I could list 21 'ultimate' bands [which is perhaps more realistic] but then I would have to decide how to pick that one song from each of them. And when you're talking ultimate, you just can't do that.. Like, how could you pick just one song by the cure? 

[*At this point I would like to point out that I am aware that there are waaaay more important things in the world and waaay more important decisions to be made than one song.. *] 

So I tried to enforce a limit on myself of taking the song that first caught my attention for a band, and then the most played one[s] after that. 2 songs per minormajor band. More allowed for majormajor bands with lots of albums and progressing sounds.. So having done this.. I'm left with 193 songs. Slightly more acceptable. Still not an actual cd but I guess I can do mp3 though. 

The next decision is whether to put it in chronological order.. I think I might do this just out of interest.. Like to see if I can chart my own little adventure in music.. Draw a map, that sort of thing. I like maps.. 

But anyway, this brings me on to..

Songs That Mean Stuff: 

Everyone has songs that they associate with certain people/places/things right? I'm assuming they do. This is one of the reasons I embarked on the ultimate playlist in the first place.. To give an idea of me via the songs I was listening to at what felt like major points. I think I read somewhere that music-related things; melodies, lyrics etc, are stored in a different part of your brain, in a similar area to swearwords [which is why when someone has a stroke they can, on occasion, still swear like a trooper]. Perhaps this explains why I have a super-duper-über-awesome memory for songs and not much else. You know, listen to a song, know all the words/ remember where you were when you first heard it/ be reminded of something to do with it. For example, everytime I hear a song from Return of Saturn, it makes me think of travelling because I listened to it whilst flying to Canada/ on a coach to Kingston. It was on a minidisc too. Middle Skool. 

But, the downside of this is that there is a big pile of music that I can no longer listen to. Can't listen to Trespassers William. Can hardly listen to The Con as an album. Was pleased that I survived their gig though. This is what annoys me though.. because of my associations with some music, I can no longer listen to it. Music that I loved. And now it's.. I dunno.. 

Like the song I'm listening to right now, Breathe Me. Stereotypical I know, but it makes me sad everytime I hear it.. just because it was used in the end of year dvd, when they did shots of everyone disappearing.. uuurgh. 

I'm getting through quite a lot of music whilst writing this... na na na na na na na..

BATMAN!!!!:

I wanted to adore it. I was excited. Just from the look of the Joker I knew he was going to be awesome. And he was. But the rest... meh.. I'm not so sure.. Like, it didn't half go on a bit. They magically made Katie Holmes look just like Maggie Gyllenhall.. They had enough double crossing plots for three films. It was all just kinda.. too much.. Wanted more Joker.. Meh. 

Annoying Doctors:

So, I get home, and my head hurts.. I've had a cold for a few months.. Figure I should see a doctor for some meds.. I get a phone appointment.. This doctor stops me whilst I'm trying to explain what's wrong with me and asks if I registered with them. I mention that I'm registered at uni, but that it shouldn't have changed anything. She tells me that I'm not registered. Now. This is really quite annoying. I was born 100m away from that clinic. I have been with them since then. I wouldn't ind registering again if it was a simple process. But NO. It's a three page questionnaire complete with urine sample. What's more irritating is the fact that they should bloody well know all of the answers they want, BECAUSE THAT'S  WHERE EVERYTHING MEDICAL HAS HAPPENED TO ME OR MY FAMILY FOR THE PAST 20+ YEARS. Cheesh. They gave me the fucking injections they're asking about. I am kinda worried about what exactly they have done with my records.. Figure I'm just not gonna bother registering. What sorted this was the fact that the doctor just prescribed me some medication without listening to what I was trying to tell her. I have had these fucking sinuses all my life, I have had every cold/infection going. This one was different. This one makes me unable to put my head lower than my heart. I have had every antibiotic around. I am allergic to one. I don't know which one. It should be on my records. You know, the ones they have on their computers. Mehh. Grrr.

Rain:

It has been weird weather for August.. Torrential downpour. I like it.. long as I don't have to drive in it.. I was driving today. Couldn't see the roadd... But at least it was that proper rain that I like.. Mini flash floods all over the shop.

Hmmm.. I am all typed out for now.. Will cover everything else laters..

Return to nothingness, enjoy, just might be right..

Music

Hot Chip - The Warning

Brand New - Guernica

Cursive - Into The Fold

Rilo Kiley - The Good That Won't Come Out

Mewithoutyou - January 1979

Josh - Blue and Black

Incubus - Drive

Scarling - We Are The Music Makers

Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People

KT Tunstall - Suddenly I See

The Notwist - Trashing Days

Styrofoam - Misguided

Tokyo Police Club - Nature Of The Experiment

Lovers - My Heart Never Sleeps

The Cardigans - Erase/Rewind [Kleerup Remix]

CSS - Left Behind

Sia - Breathe Me

Raphael - Choisis Ton Camp

Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

Silverchair - Suicidal Dream

Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch

The Offspring - Self Esteem

Deathcab - Tiny Vessels

Burn, Don't Freeze

So,

I meant to blog... I was gonna talk about how annoying doctors are. Well, not really the doctors, but the systems.. and batman. and trying to make an ultimate playlist.

However, due to trying to make an ultimate playlist I am now too tired to think. 

And.. blaaaah.

Tomorrow.