Crush.Er.

Well, well, well.

It has been quite a while hasn't it?

I'm now in the big big smoke. And the sky is orange at night and it is all.. well.. yeah. Weird.

I'll probably try to start blogging a bit again. I'm feeling a bit down at the mo, so y'know, bloggy is always good for that.

Eexcept.. yeah... I don't really know what to say actually.

Well worth the characters, eh?

Announcement

FWL is here. And it is MUCH FUN.

Twitter is proof.

Ketchup

London, I think we got a problem.

I'm finally listening to pink's album. Anyways.

I'm just in the calm before the activity, so figured I should, like, update, or something. I am just back from H's birthday day/weekend thing. It was really good.

On the Thursday night we just hung out at a local pub with a random bunch of H's friends. I finally confirmed the rumours, which was interesting, but a relief.

Then, on Fritag, we went hovercrafting. Which, be tea double you, is surprisingly taxing on the leg muscles. But muchos fun. I crashed into a straw bale.

Afters we went up to 'Derrycityofculture2013. Which was also funtastic. I have never seen so many police in my life though. I started a conspiracy that derry was a ghost city. Anyway. Last time we'll not check the marching schedule before going travelling.. Then H had to leave to go to work, so the rest of us continued to Donegal. Stunning scenery up there, should you ever be in the area. We essentially collapsed for a while, then went into the town to peruse their equivalent of poundshops. Got a 500 piece jigsaw to do. Error. So freaking frustrating. It was of various animals.. except there were a disproportionate number of small rodents. Took forever to get done.

Um, I kinda forgot what I was recapping.

Anyways, tomorrow, hubbo no. 1 appears ^_^

Then FWL on wedders.

W000000000000000000000t.

Laters.

Hrm. I feel mildly crushed.

Tourism Take One

Wheeeeeeeeee.
Some folk are over visiting til Wednesday, so I have been busy today being a tourist.

It was fun. Although surprisingly tiring, considering that essentially all we did was sit around and eat loads. We toured the local country estate, which was nice. Then we headed up to el capitale and had lunch in this wicked pub that has the title liquor saloon. Major plus points. It was so nice to be able to walk in past the hordes of americans and into our nice little booth thing. Heavenly. It's owned by the NT as well. That's two in one day. Tomorrow we will be visiting our third [and maybe fourth]. Huz. Zah.

After stuffing ourselves, we wandered around and found a nice open top vehicle in a fetching shade of red and sat on it for 90 minutes. I got very windswept. It was a good look, I'm sure.

Then, after all that strenuous sitting, we had to go and have a coffee. Natch.

Suddenly, well, not so suddenly seeing as we had prior notice, more folk appeared and we wandered around trying to find somewhere else to eat that was not shut on a monday. Tough task. Ended up at a chinese buffet. Which was overpriced and overMSGed. Boke.

And the day was done. Return to base. Bed.

Tomorrow, hexagonal rocks ahoy.

Poyem.

I write down the words but they change for her
I say them instead, she hears something else
So I start to rip the stitches, let her look inside
Maybe there in the darkness she will realise
That what I'm trying to say is true
If only she knew.

I always forget about poetry. But then, it normally sounds arsey.

Jaunt

Well, I am back from my little ldn jaunt.

I had a verr nice time. Verr good.

I saw my husband, soon to be fiancé, and we planned out our future lives together.

Then we got traaaashed in soho, avec KJ and misc others. And yeah, much hanging out was had.

I quite liked the little bubble I had created. Except now I'm suffering from post-bubble-bursting-sadness.. as per. Which is why I am stopping myself from going off on a little squee rant about things, because that would only make me realise quite how much I miss them. Sigh.

I'm considering drawing a new comic page. Hrrm.

We'll see.

Demi

Hmm.

London calling tomorrow.

Joy.

So I will be MIA for a few days [like it'll be any different to normal..]

I had my hair cut today. Well, thinned, at least. I seem to have a thing now, where I always lie and create these exciting things that I'm doing which explain why I'm having my hair cut. Because I can never quite stomach saying 'no, I'm just going home and sitting around all day, sorry that your few hours' work isn't going to any good use..'

Sigh. I don't want to go. I hate interviews.

I want to be a demi-god.

Ferown

:(

Well after a really good saturday, I ruined it. Quel surprise. I'm good at wrecking stuff.

I've been having this really weird series of dreams over the past 3 nights. I know talking about dreams is boring but meh.

It takes place around my house, which can somehow fit more in when it's in dreamland. Anyway, the main plot is that there are these magic horse-type things [mintys], which may or may not have existed, but we were trying to find them. But there was someone who wanted to stop this. There's always someone who wants to stop things. Normally though, they don't dress in black and try to kill you with arrows fired sniper-like from places you can't see. In the middle of being chased by a mysterious sniper, there was some kind of auction being held that I had to run. The auction included a lion-dog. Anyway. We were just figuring out that the mintys did exist, and that they were running about in a thunderstorm, and that they needed to be caught. There were some interesting cameos at this point, which makes me wonder about my subconscious. Quite why I thought the lead singer of a student jazz type band, popular at my uni, was an appropriate expert on these weird horses, I don't know. But she was. And as I had just been shot at again, I wasn't going to argue. Anyway, cutting out a bit of manic running around, getting rained on, and being continually shot at.. I found out who the sniper was, and stuff, and I was just about to find out why the hell they'd been shooting at me.. when my mother woke me up. GUTRASH.

Sigh.

Gerin.

Hee.

I'm having a pretty ace saturday so far.

Trying to do another painting.. it's going slowly. Mostly because I'm being nicely distracted though. So it'sall gravy.

Need to go get clean at some stage. Cos I currently stink of white spirits.

I'm going to LDN again next week. Cept I'm staying for a few days and might go journeying about the country. Which will be fun. If I figure out anywhere to journey to.

Arg. Right. Need to chop onions.

Be Back Laterzzzzz

Idea

Do you ever wish you could just let someone else in your head, so they could see you're being honest, and finally believe what you're saying?

I do.

Watching inception made the idea a bit freaky though.

And then, there'd be no hiding.

Hmm.

Refinement needed methinks.

Socially Secure

If I am ever in a position to make a movie/ tv series, there is definitely going to be a social security office as a location.

I spent a good 50 minutes in there today. It is just.. Soul destroying.

There is a sign that I love though. It reads:

"Anyone found defacing the walls etc will be banned and may face prosecution for criminal damage."

The quotation marks are included on the sign. Which, for some reason, just makes it for me.

Anyhoo.

Spent some time re-wiring the chicken house. Lying on a ladder is not very comfortable.

I have nothing else to ramble about for the moment.

Toodles.

Uhh.. Damn.

Urgh.

I feel full of dread.

I hate... I don't even know what I hate.

Just, yeah.

I'm great at being incomprehensible.

---

In other news, I learnt how to mix concrete [thank you internet] and improvised how to lay a stable floor. So horse now has a floor which is bumpy in different places compared to how it used to be.

Painting is at a point I can pretend is finished. There are a number of things wrong with it. I will annotate them below:

1- the mouth is wrong, and really stupid. It's like, too plain somehow? And looks like a fish.

2 - clumsy, and too sharp with not enough shading. eurgh.

3 - again, too plain. And it doesn't make sense.

4 - is the wrong shape. too pot-bellied. Considering the rib cage is supposed to be being pulled upwards, there should be more of a weird hollow thing going on.

5- hands. enough said really. They're just so wrong and deformed and fuzzy.

6 - hair/shoulder. so, so clumsy. the shoulder is too big and rounded. the hair is just... argh. hair and hands. I need to work on hair and hands. Hairy hands maybe.

7 - you can't really see in this picture, but the trousers are terrible. Actually terrible. My material skills also need work.

Overall: I'm not happy with the background/figure relationship. In my head it looked so much better. I think I made a mistake using oils because they didn't really allow for what I wanted to do. I used them cos I wanted to get the skin decent. I failed in that. Apart from the armpit area, which I oddly think is ok. Apart from the visible charcoal line. Grr. Anyway. This was part one in what's probably gonna be a trio. I have that much energy to get out. I'm thinking I'll try to go more natural for the next two. Back to learning how to paint, if you will.

Might go try and locate my old sketchbooks. I need to sketch again.

~over und out

Barf.

So, my head this morning was interesting.

Signing on with it was a fun challenge. I'm fairly sure I stank out the social security office with my alcohol aura. Anyway, I am officially a Bum. But at least I can pay people back now. Win.

I had my first fry.

It. Was. A. Mazin'.

There was so many different types of bread soaked in fat. It was freaking immense. Made me feel almost human again. Then I finally found some canvases! Massive ones! Well. Normal sized ones. Like I used to have at a-level, but have mysteriously become endangered. So then I spent some time painting. Except that I got this weird thing in my left arm/hand where it went all numb and twitchy and shaky and.. yeah. Strange.

The painting isn't going well. I have changed it several times. I can't do it. It's so frustrating. Blah.

Will finish it tomorrow. Had to cut it short for the dinner. Which was also uh-mazing. I am so stuffed. Feeling majorly obese. Eugh. I disgust myself.

Right, I might as well sleep, because I have nothing better to be doing. And I have no distractions, or distractin' to do. Much as I want to.

Laters

Attention

Never again will I drink:

strongbow, double bourbon, white wine, red wine, champagne, red wine, white wine, "get 'er bucked" [buckfast AND jager, together, with no mixer], coke, and magners

in that particular order.

End of service announcement.

Noose.

Sigh. I don't know why silence bothers me so. Can't even handle a day of it.

Gah.

Being rational is so overrated... right? It's probably not. Buggery.

Sigh. At least midsomer murders is on. At least I've seen it before so I know what happens.

Argles. I am confused by how much I want to do things I shouldn't.

I'm surprised by how much I want to talk.

Back to quiet corner.

Fresh Coat

In my attempt to keep myself quiet I have been painting the loft.

In some ways, I suppose it is quite sad.. painting over what I thought was cool in 2000. But then it is highly embarrassing, and I am certainly no banksy.

It's quite a nice mindless activity, painting. Allows me to zone out, but feel like I achieve something at the end of it. Although I do wreck my hands, stupid roller. I'm considering trying to make the loft into a place to paint pictures. I think it could work, but I have to figure out how to sort everything out. I've got a concept in my head for the first thing I want to paint, but I need a canvas to put it on. I thought I could use board, until I remembered a part of the concept, and realised I need canvas. Bleh. Annoying.

Will venture out tomorrow to search for some.

I'm annoyed about this rioting that's going on. Where are the supposedly brutal police? hmm? Grr. Rioters make me angry. I just want to tell them to wise the fuck up.

I'm on a quest for some new(ish) music. Any tips?

So far I'm just diggin' ronson's newest. Mostly because of mndr though.

I must make a pretty amusing sight, with my headphones in, wearing painting clothes, miming and dancing away with a roller in one hand.. Maybe I'll film it.

Oh. Yes. I have a youtube channel now. Well, I say I. I of course mean 'we', but as FWL and I are essentially one brain.. it's pretty much the same difference. 6Chesterton. Check it. Not that there's anything new.

Will probably ramble about something else later..

Directions

I'm just gonna go over here and be quiet in the corner... kay?

Kay.

Honesstea.

Hrm.

I want to be able to live 23.10, 10/07/10 -> 9.30, 11/07/10 on repeat. Just round and round in circles. It wouldn't bother me. I'd be happy.

I knew I wouldn't like this. I knew I wouldn't want to deal with it. The underline is though, I knew it would happen. I was told. So why am I so.. fixated, still?

Maybe it's the swirling of considerations going round in my head. Was it all just a joke? A competition? See who could show me to be a hypocritical loser first? Was it an ego boost? Worse than that.. was it pity? It probably was pity. Fuck.

I gotta say though. Though. Hats off. Jolly good sport this. I guess I should have known. After all, it is what everybody does, just at differing points. Maybe that's what I could do for a job.. I could let people get inside my head, and then let them break me. For a fee. In whatever way they want. I mean, obviously, the consumer would have to do a fair bit of work themselves, cos getting into my head, even when I want you there takes quite a lot. Especially to get you to the proper level of constant consideration. But it seems that there is much fun to be had in destroying whatever I'd just built up. Like older kids kickin' sandcastles or tearing down lego creations. 'Cos I tend to work in patterns. Secretly I think that everyone works in patterns, they just don't accept it or attempt to change it ever. I get really into someone, they begin to convince me that my default position and defence mechanism of not believing something, or being extremely cautious about it, is silly and incorrect. I decide 'aw, what the hell, they're really awesome', the tipping point is reached [I described it earlier as 'feeling as if I was worth the air I was reducing the oxygen content of', god I was feeling crushed] and I trust them.

Then they fuck off.

Usually pretty completely. It's like someone posted everyone in the world a nice little memo with 'if you really wanna do some spectacular damage, cut all communications and pretend the wankstain doesn't exist'. It works. It really, really works.

So now I'm stuck in this enraging state of being ridiculously into someone with nothing to do about it. It's like there was this balloon in my head inflating full of thoughts and just as it approached being full, someone popped it. And now there are just all of those thoughts everywhere without containment, without hope, and just me to flounder around trying to collect them together again..

The worst part is, that I get it. I'm the perfect person if that's what you gotta do. I'm amazing for it. Hey, look, self-confidence! I do have it. Just in unexpected places. And of course, nobody will bother to refute this point, because it would be pointless. Or, y'know, impossible. I can't actually tell if that's what the real stinger is... the fact that people consider it easier to let me think that I am nothing apart from fault.. thus reinforcing my definition of myself.. because of my definition of myself. I am a self-fufilling prophecy. Just. Dandy. [I miss the Dandy. Even though the Beano was better. I miss them both.] Easier to let alcohol ferment in itself and become more alcoholic, than to separate it out and give it a chance to be a decent drink. Or something. I'm not really sure where that analogy was going.

I just.. god. I miss her.

But that's what I do. Take someone who could have been a really good friend and remove every molecule of chance that being friends ever happens. It is all my own fault. I was wrong before, this is what really hurts. It is my fault. I am to blame for it all. That's why I spend so long trying to construct some reasoning that makes it seem like it was the other person's decision to do this, when really, they had no choice. Only option available. Thanks to me. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be charming. I wish I could be someone that you'd want to have around.

How could I ever have thought that was possible? How did my brain entertain that idea? So what if I really liked someone? So what if I thought that I could make someone a tiny, microscopic, bit happier, on some occasions, from time to time?(ha! as if.) So what if I want to talk to them allthetimeeveryday? When you're 100% selfish, as I am, everyone will be able to tell from a mile away that you're bad news. Which I am.

I mean, look. Just look at this post. It is so self-centred. Not one consideration of anyone else. Why? Because I know that they win. I know that I made them feel worse. I know that I treated them with much less care and respect than they treated me. I deserve this.

I am far, far too selfish.

But god, I want to change it. I want to go back to that time frame..

Fuck me. Now is not the time for 'Fast Car'.

I'ma go bury my head in my pillow. Hopefully I'll breathe in one too many hollow fibres for my lungs to take.

*fingers crossed*

if that fails. there'll be another more considered post tomorrow.. because I really don't think this says what I mean it to. Gah.

Filler 4

There's gonna be something actually proper here later. It will probably be emo and melodramatic.

First though, TV and alcohol.

Storytime.

Once upon a time there was a scruff. The scruff was stupid by most accounts. There were a few accounts that were positive, but they were a bit dodge, due to bad book-keeping and the like.

Scruff was having a pretty miserable life. Scruff was indeed shown to be stupid, and not very good at keeping friends, and had no real Reason to exist.

One day, Scruff met a tall[er], dark[er], handsome[r] (although it was hard not to be) Strange[r]. The Strange was not strange in any of the normal contexts. Strange was strange because of the conceptual confusion surrounding her. She was very pretty, but did not exploit this to her advantage. She had eyes that could steal the work of swords, x-rays, and small puppies, but she let them keep their jobs. Strange also wore a hat extremely well. As Scruff illustrates, it is hard to wear a hat. Not everyone has a head that can handle them. Indeed, most of the heads that think they can handle them are not, in fact, wearing the hat, but being worn.

Strange's hat knew its place. It rested there with the appropriate easy slouch and worked in conjunction with Strange's eyebrows to convey confusion and disbelief amongst other things that made the cause of the emotion feel rather as if they had forgot to dress themselves that morning.

Strange had the ability to make people go off on rather large diatribes about hats.

Scruff had been previously been considered to be good at counting. Scruff had passed exams in Complicated Counting. But even those qualifications were not enough to enable Scruff to count the leagues between her and Strange. Scruff's neck felt sore even thinking about how far above her Strange resided. And yet, when Strange talked to Scruff she made Scruff feel as if she had been dragged up to the upper realms where the decent folk hung out. Scruff was fairly wary of this at first. She didn't really know how to be A Good Person. And that was what Strange made her feel like. All of a sudden Scruff felt of some worth. Roughly equivalent to that of iron and steel. Scruff began to like feeling that she had a value, that there was a little speck of Reason beginning to grow and explain her internal organs working so consistently.

To be continued. And then moved to voat...

Just Say... shrug?

I've definitely been awake for too long.. my awake:asleep ratio is all off, and my eyelids are sticking together. It's like their way of forcing sleep upon me.

Also, sia's song makes me want to cry. I'm not sure what has caused this reaction to it but oh well.

And also, I haven't felt a snow patrol song summed up any moment in my life so accurately since I was about 14. Shockface:

I mean, yes, it's upbeat and I'm very not, but still. Lyrics are there. Good ole Gary.

Right. I need to crawl into bed and curl up into the foetal position.

Heavy In Your Arms

And is it worth the wait,

All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand,
Protecting both your heart and mine?
Who is the betrayer,
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound
[...]
My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball...
[...]
This will be my last confession
"I love you" never felt like any blessing
Whisper it like it's a secret
Uttered to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart..

I'm really feelin' the twilight soundtrack.

That might just be because I have had 3 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours though.

Got up at unreal o'clock on saturday, went to ldn, opened bank account, sweated all over the shop, had interview, sweated all over the mall, got to drinking at my bro's bbq, got drunk, went to see twilight eclipse in a most lovely little place called Finchley, stood in central ldn til 3am, got back to bro's flat and didn't sleep much...

I just wish I knew what I was doing. It's like there's a little switch that flips in my head when it comes to KJ. I just can't help it. And that sounds like the worst ever excuse for being a shit human being. I just... arg. I dunno. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. KJ has finally realised what a cunt I am. But gah, the feelings are still insane.

Just for tonight darling, let's get lost..

I am so tired. I couldn't even drive home.

Nerves

Hmm.

Interview tomorrow. It's not going to go well. Doesn't stop me getting nervous though.

I suppose I am lucky in that I have other things to look forward to/be nervous about after t'interview, so I hopefully won't have time to think about how terrible it was..

Also. Not happy that it's gonna be 30 degrees. Suit. Black suit. Not. Fun.

Sigh. The intl has also introduced a drop off charge. £1. Which is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I'd rant about it.... but I'm not gonna.

Hedgehog

Midsomer vs Clever Cows.

Tough.

Sigh.

I want to curl up in a ball and not move. I might extend to clutching my ipod.

Sofa Surfin'

Lounging on the sofa with 1.43 hours of battery left.

Should be enough time to ramble some crap.

It really annoys me that I can't write.

Anyway.

I am just in an emo little mood. I have 2 playlists on the go at the minute. They're not very good. I'm not overly happy with them. They have the right songs. I might add a few more. I think I'm just singing along far too enthusiastically.

What am I even talking about? Argh. What the fuck. I can't focus. I just want to swear.

I can't sit still. I want to be doing something. But I can't figure out what. Fuck's sake. I think I need a punchbag. Except those never work because I get bored and annoyed after the first two punches.

It was raining really heavily here earlier, and I had to run out to change where the pony was. It was really nice. I think I just want to go outside and get rained on. It would let me escape my head for a while. And my head is just tormenting me massively at the minute. Keeps concentrating on things I can't have. Which is just so incredibly frustrating.

One thing caught my mind off guard though. Diego smashed into my nose earlier. He hit that spot which is intensely painful and makes your eyes water. I couldn't do anything for a good 45 seconds. So, yeah. That was my relief for today.

I'm such a sucker for a sweet talker.

Dirt kickin'

Sigh.

I wish I wasn't so demanding and abrasive when I'm [trying to be] concerned and caring.

Casual

FWL just texted to say she might not be able to visit as planned, because she's currently in a french hospital having had her appendix removed yesterday. As you do.

Shrug.

It's a common theme amongst my friends. Quite worrying.

Foxin'

Sigh.

This fox is messin' wit ma home pigeons. Well, peacocks. And hens. So we're on a stake out.

I wish I had a sniper rifle or something cool. Not to use, obviously. Just to hold and play the part.

We replenished the chickens today. Got 4 point of lays. Hopefully they won't get snarfled. I'm not sure if my chicken house enhancements will be successful against mr. foxy. If they are I think I'll put it on my cv. 'Outwitted a fox' has to be good, no?

Ah, cripes. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I just want to put everything on hold for the summer, and just drift about. Not having to worry about decisions or responsibilities, or thinking long term... Yes, I'm afraid of the future. So shoot me.

Got back on a horse earlier. I got the delightful job of reintroducing him to the road and delights of hacking.. Luckily, he didn't pull his usual trick of refusing to move/tanking off. My arms couldn't have handled the tanking. Especially after lugging hay bales about. C'mon upper body strength... Exist!

In other news.. I've been pretty distracted recently.. and I want to talk about it and try to sort it out, because I just feel so.. I dunno.. I just really want things I shouldn't. And whilst I know I shouldn't, that doesn't seem to stop me. I have atrocious timing. But dayum.

----

Phone conversation

----

Aw man... Right. I've got to admit this somewhere.

I am so majorly into KJ that it's beyond belief. Even though my head protested to begin with, and still has its moments, it seems mostly cowed into submission now. Like, I know it's wrong. I know it's the very definition of dickspitish. But I seriously cannot help it. I just can't stop thinking about KJ. When I wake up.. During the day.. [when I'm building a fucking chicken house for fuck's sake].. Before I go to sleep.. When I sleep.. It's a constant thoughttrain... and yet, I never get bored of it. I never regret it. Heck, I mostly forget about the wider details of the situation. And I don't think I care. Which is awful. Terrible. Despicable. I know this. And I'm still thinking about KJ. More and more. If you knew KJ you'd probably get it.. but still.

----

Phone conversation 2

----

~~~

Brief fox-chasing interlude. No, really. Bastard fox. I'm glad I don't live within sight of neighbours... Fucking fox. I had to hang up like a jerk because of you.

~~~

Oh christ. I'm a twat. A massive twat. I wish I could explain myself. I wish that not verbalising your thoughts/feelings because you're scared by how deep they go was a reasonable thing, easy to explain. It's not by the way, just in case anyone was wondering. At least, not if you're me. I hate falling. Have I ever mentioned that? I very much mirror the sperm whale in hitchhikers. I'm a goner. Hook, line, sinker. Sigh.

I really don't know what to do though. I'm accused of lying upon every attempt at being honest about the thoughts that are shouting themselves hoarse in my head. It doesn't help that I find it tough enough at the best of times to adequately express what I think/feel. Words, I wish you would listen to me. I wish you would say what I mean to. I wish you could make me appear better than I am. Because the truth is, I want to be better than I am. I want to be worth something. And I want to be what some crazy deluded person thinks I am. Oh god, I'm a sucker. Complete. Utter.

Argh. Look at all my 'I wants'.. I'm so selfish. But again, I don't seem to care. I just.. want.. so badly. Fuck.

Interim

I don't like falling. It's unnerving.

And it means, at some point, that I have to face up to the fact that I've hit the ground.

I'm gonna update properly tomorrow.

Hint

Ok. So I may be pretty oblivious, but I know when to take a hint to back the hell off.

So I guess I will.

Christ, why am I such a klutz.

Memo1

Josh - Blue and Black

Brand New - Okay, I believe you but my tommy gun doesn't

Rilo Kiley - The Good That Won't Come Out

Stars - Your Ex Lover Is Dead

Bon Iver - Blood Bank

Something Corporate - I kissed a drunk girl

Rilo Kiley - Portions For Foxes

Rival Schools - Used For Glue

Before I forget. Progress so far.

Sinner's Serenade

Oh, God, no
Please don't tell her what I've done
I can hardly look at her
Everything I love, I hurt
Oh, God, yes
She is love, she is sex
But I used her for the game
A scapegoat to carry the blame
For a hate song
For a hate song
It's like masochism
I hate these hate songs
Holding a dove
Then clipping it's wings off
Someone you love
And you give them the kiss off
Someone to love
And you fuck it up

How I hate these dirty words I emulate
How I hate ruining what I create
How I hate this
(And I hate that you don't fall for it)
This sinner's serenade
This hate song (this self defecation)
Isn't helping anyone
Save the sinner
Save the sinner
He knows not what he's done to himself
What he's done to others
He hides behind words
He hides behind liquor
He hides in his bedroom with his guitar
Screaming, "Sinner!"

Oh, God
Look what I've done in the bedroom

Damn you Tim Kasher.

Interview went better than the last one, but that isn't saying much..

I am just such an epic fail. People who do nothing for a year and then cram like mad still outperform me. I am heading for £30k+ of debt for next year in london alone. I'm such a good daughter. Why is what I write never good enough? Maybe I just don't know the minimum amount of stuff. Although I'm fairly sure I was on equal terms with those who did alright. Sigh. I just feel so stupid. And like the past three years have been a complete waste. I'm like a tornado, destroying everything and everyone in my path. I suck. Just like a tornado.

Of course, I'm being arrogant by likening myself to a tornado. Tornadoes are powerful. Tornadoes are impressive. I am only pathetic.

Sigh. So apparently, I still don't really want to talk about it. Maybe it's because I still don't know where, or on what, I'm standing. Most likely to be shaky ground. Other possible answers on a postcard please.

There are so many songs written about this. This is what creativity comes from. So why can I only sit here and think 'fuck' over and over to myself?

I mean, I guess I'm still thinking about other things. People. Person. Damnit. Fuck. See? It happened again. I just want to have some semblance of a clue about what is going on. Instead of being in the dark. I know the dark is all I deserve, but I am nothing if not a complainer. Nightlight, maybe?

The sick thing is, that whilst I hate myself, and hate this mess, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do it again. And that is just... beyond my previous levels of selfishness. Christ.

Why all of a sudden have I decided to unleash 110% jerk? [aw, jeez, I can't even use 'jerk' now without afterthoughts. Fuck] I was holding a pretty decent 86% and then, whammo! [yes, comic book language is necessary] it was all out. I was going for broke. Will it be worth it? I'm making an educated guess that it won't. Fuck.

No matter how down or how drunk I was, there was still no excuse. No matter how much I wanted to, how desperately much I wanted to.. There is still nothing to mitigate my actions.

Maybe that's why I feel so worthless. I can't reason anything away this time. It was all me. And I wish it still was.

Creak.

Right. I have to become somebody else. Get through this interview. Considering I've just spent approx 30 hours in bed, it's gonna be interesting.

My brain just feels like a rusty door, refusing to open fully and give any indication of having any knowledge inside it whatsoever. Sigh.

How am I just so amazing at messing things up? And why do I simultaneously want to a)run away and b)make it worse? Swear words aren't enough for this.

Maybe I should try this exile business. How dare I even consider anything else. Ah, christ. I need a new head. One which doesn't think about things it shouldn't. Fuck.

When I get back from ldn, I'm gonna have an actual stab at figuring out.

Used For Glue

This may or may not end up being a heavily music-influenced post.

All I can think is a massive "double you tea eff".

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the shittiest days I've experienced. I woke up voice-less. I had an interview which was just awful, because I was so stressed and shakey and sore and just... blegh. Then I came back, got my results. Predictably crap results. Which mean that I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life now. Bfast is out. LDN is a waste of money. Who knows what the hell I'm gonna do.

Typically, having survived the series of events thusfar, I decided to go drink. I hate myself. Oddly, not because I got drunk. But just in general, I did some Very Shitty Things.

I don't like being so easily susceptible. But I was. And now, I'm just confused.

I'm not sure how I'm gonna go about forgiving myself. I am such a shit. This is why I shouldn't allow myself to be selfish, even for a second. I'm bad news.

I got home this morning and just collapsed into bed, having swigged some night nurse. I can't tell if it's this cold or my own self-loathing which is stopping me from moving and feeling in any way human. Just why could I not, for once, think about somebody else for a change, and how my actions would make them feel? Or what my stupidity would do?

What I hate most is that I can't tell if I was just a prop, a device to easily make things happen. What's worse is that I don't know if I mind or not. There are just too many thoughts in my head.

And I don't know if I can admit what's actually going on in my head or not. I just want to curl up, be hugged, and for everything to be ok again. I always think there is more to stuff than there is. I think I just have to get over the fact that I'm essentially a waste of space and synapses, and that I will never get what my stupid emotions tell me I want. Christ.

This post doesn't make sense. It has come out completely wrong. Night nurse. Numb hands.

And there aren't any youtube videos of josh, so I can't put synthetics or blue and black up.

Blah.

*twitch*

I'm at that stage of sleep deprivation where I keep jumping at everything.. It's a funny feeling.

I'm hoping that mint tea will fix it, as per FWL's advice.

Affair was awesome, and thankfully not as disasterous as I thought it would be. Only thing is, I am now shattered (see above) and have another one tomorrow night, followed by an interview.

Oh, and results.

Fuck.

Everyone around me is getting firsts.. and I am going to get a desmond at best. Fuckity Fuckit.

I had a nice little spaced out moment last night, lying sprawled on the floor of king's chapel, staring at the ceiling, listening to one of my insanely talents friends singing and just thinking 'wow'. About everything.

I need more mint tea.

8 hours

That's all I have left of my degree.

Bugger.

The two exams I'm about to do are not going to go well.

When they're done, I can write a long ramble though. Now there's something to look forward to.

Not.

Hanging

I am so hungover.

WHAT AM I DOING?

I just shouldn't have ever uttered the words 'no, I'm not drinking.. I have to go work later'.

BAD PLAN.

uuuuuuuurgh.

I have two exams tomorrow. I am such an idiot.

C'mon peppermint tea. Make me human again.

Feck.

Blogger keeps logging me out. It never used to. Maybe it's giving me a hint.

I have my first exam in 4 days.

I am FUCKED.

FUCKED.

Sigh. I don't know why, but I just can't concentrate, or feel in any way motivated.

I know that I need a 2.1. I know I do. I know that at this rate I'm not going to get one.

And that freaks me out, and makes me feel sick, but nothing ever comes from it. Bleurgh.

I might as well try to do some law here. Let's see. EU. Fun. Times.

Right, so, goods problem questions.

The first step is to identify the obstacle. Is it a QR? MEE? CSA?

If QR -> Then Geddo. Also, always distinct and direct, so it breaches 34 and is only justifiable by a 36 derogation.

If MEE -> Then probably Cassis line. Justifiable by mandatory requirements.

If CSA -> Keck.

Basically.

It's so warm. I would love it normally. Stupid exams. I can't wait til I can just piss about all day. But at the same time.. slightly scared by the ultimate leaving. I honestly can't believe it's been 3 years. I can't believe I wasted so much of it on falsities. Oh well.

C'mon eu, I gotta master you before equity cramming can begin.

Triangles

Ah fuck it.

Let's be ranty again.

Ok, facebook. I like you. Really, I do. But I'm beginning to notice that you keep bringing things to my attention to which I would rather not attend. Such as:

"KF > FM - liked by 2.0" being at the top of my news feed, followed by,

every FM profile picture in existence being commented on by 2.0 and PPF.

I know it's not your fault facebook, but I can't help but feel a bit miffed at you. If only because I can't openly feel miffed at anyone else. Like, just fuck off? The amount of 14yo rock I've had to listen to to not punch walls and throw up has been incredible. I know that I am hideously inadequate in every quantifiable way, but I'm not that fussed on being reminded of it at every opportunity. It really is not helping my already lacklustre concentration levels. God's sake.

Maybe I'll go write a strongly worded letter.

yaun.

Sleep deprived. Yuh-huh. Stupid election. Can't moan as much as the bbc team though.

I was rather pleased by how home turned out, in general.

But that hasn't really been enough to make today productive in any shape or form.

T - 19 days.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

I just want to punch things out of frustration with myself. And others. I worry that one day I'll just knock a switch and go guano. Although that could be quite amusing. It'd probably last for about 5 seconds before I got tired and had a nap.

Right. Bed like.

Comets

Take your time and always think before you speak.. for some of us this is not undertaken so easily..

Oh dear. Supervision today, haven't quite got around to understanding the stuff it's on. Oh well.

Went to someone's birthday party last night [instead of revising]. It was an ace decision. Although I did make a complete and utter fool out of myself [hence the lyric of the post]. Well, I mean, I was my usual self, but surrounded by people who don't really know me, and so just came across as a twat.

Some gems included asking a phd student who is researching solar cells whether she ever pretended to play god and be an eclipse, and then theorising a fight between said phd student and another party-goer, and then telling them the theory of how the fight would progress.

Essentially, I wished I had a rewind button. But I don't, so now lots of people that I think are cool, think I'm an immature nutjob. Joy.

At least it follows the normal distribution.

It was a good night. First time I've felt 'outgoing' in a while. I just really wish I could remember to keep my inside voice, inside my head. I think I never really grew out of being a 4 year old. If only there were lucrative careers to be made out of asking stupid questions.

I'm supposed to be thinking about jurisprudence, and something to do with theories of distribution, except I don't really understand them. I follow for about 5 minutes and then just get confused and wonder why it matters and why everyone makes such a fuss.

Right.

Laters.

Hush, Hush

Heartbeats, in sync with the clock, in time with my steps, buried in my chest.. disguised by a layer of flesh that's fading away from the constant gaze of your intruding ways.. I'll try to hide..

I'm really diggin' this album.

Anyway. Been a while, dudes.

Right now I should be revising charitable trusts. But I am lacking focus, having spent the morning trying to get my head around characterisation as a process in the conflicts of laws. I don't think my head made it. So it's time for a tea break and some cheerios.

Do they have cheerios in america? Is that why the cheerleaders in glee are called cheerios? I hope so. I enjoy cereal puns.

Anyway. FWL had to stop by due to some volcano or other misc. natural 'disaster'. It was fintastik lyk. And now I want to figure out some way of recording over two countries. Because that's way more beneficial than actually revising.

My guitar is now fixed up. We performed surgery. Took the drill to it. It is now fully functioning and retro-ironic. Now I just need to keep it in tune. Which would be easy, if I had ears that could tell tune. Which I don't.

Hmm. I think I'm on my fifth cup of tea. I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Oh well.

I've been in an odd sort of mood recently. It combines elements of sheer panic about upcoming exams etc, lethargy about doing anything, and general lack of focus due to another thing taking up my mindspace. I don't really know if I should talk about that thing here, mostly because I am aware how well I imitate a broken record, but then, at the same time, trying to write some coherent thing down might help? I don't know.

Basically, history repeating hurts. I didn't think it would hurt this much, and perhaps I'm jumping the gun, but it's in my nature to assume the worst regardless. There's just something about being lied to by this particular person that hits me like a wrecking ball. If I had to choose one person in the whole world who would know not to lie, it would have been FM. It is very clear that I can't handle lying. So to then hear things which mean that FM lied, and continues to.. it just.. destroys me. I don't care about what the lying is covering, really, I don't. I'm happy for FM, and I know that 2.0 is better than me in every measurable quality. I just feel physically sick, and stupid for being fooled, once again. Most of my time here has now been invalidated; it wasn't what I thought it was. I hate myself for falling for it. I don't really know what to say to FM either. There's nothing I can say. I have no point to make, no leg to stand on. I just have to continue feeling like nothing, and uncontrollably being a jerk at every opportunity. Sigh.

Anyway, it's been hours, and I'm hungry.

This Town

Back, for one last turn of the wheel.

I went home briefly. It was nice. I would quite like to have more time to spend in a little bubble far removed from this one.

^Like that.

I had an interview in LDN. It went very badly. I am getting £zero. Which I suppose will make my decision somewhat easier.

However, I do not like being made to feel embarrassed about my background/lack of funds.

There are a lot of things I don't like. I'm likely to list them, seeing as I'm tired and so feel grouchy. Bleh.

- Interviews

- Interviewers thinking I am being dishonest/ trying to defraud them.

- Application forms

- Being bitter

Here are some things that I DO like:

- Johnny Morris' bedtime stories

- Sangria

- Friends

- Finding new songs. In irish!

I Can Talk

Bleeeeegh.

My productivity has gone to zilch. It was all going so well.. and then I felt ill and fell victim to sleep. Bummer.

Anyways.

I can't believe a year has almost gone. And I'm almost 'Grown Up'. Scary biscuits.

Everything is different to how I had assumed it would be. But then I think that's because when you think about the future, you tend to just extrapolate the current situation, and assume things will keep going.

Next year. Most people are talking about 'next year' in terms of what furnishings they're going to put in the flat they've already bought. And for a while, I knew where I would be at least, which was something. But then I actually managed to succeed in getting into the legal institute back home. Which throws a spanner in the works.

I never thought I would get in. I can't remember if I ranted about the entrance test, but in short, it was a pissy multiple choice test that took an entire day and was horrific. As in, I did one section, and then decided 'fuck it, I'm just going to be a man in a pub because this is impossible'. The second factor which made my not getting in theory concrete is the sheer competition. To get on to the barristers' course you have to come top 30. I heard via the grapevine that 800 people took the test.

So having taken the test, I pretty much forgot about it and ruled out Belfast as a next year option.

But then I got in.

And I should be really happy and pleased. And in a way, I am.. At least, I would be if I allowed myself to stop and think about it and celebrate. But no, I immediately jump to the 'I have no idea what I'm doing next year' position. Which suxxxxx.

So now, I've spent £865 on alternatives I might never take. Hmm.

Belfast or London.. much more of a dilemma than I thought it would be. Oddly, I feel quite sad when people are happy for me, because they don't seem sad that I won't be with them next year. God. How selfish can I be?! Bleh.

I'd like everything to be like I thought it would be. Then everything would be nice :)

Secret Meeting

Didn't anybody tell you how to gracefully disappear in a room?

I wish they had.

I have so many nice things to update about. FWL returned, with europeans, and it was amazing. [TBC]

---

But typically, I am just being a craphat and concentrating on the things that upset me.

Right. I would very much like to know why people feel disposed to lie to me.

As in, ok, the first time was just like, well, it has to happen really, there was no precedent. Then secondly, I suppose I didn't talk about the first time enough, so yeah.. maybe that's just about passable. But the third? I mean, srsly?

I just.. don't get it. As in, when I let someone get that horrifically close to me, to the point where they know all my hangups because I finally feel comfortable enough to talk about them [probably too much.. ok, my bad] and they promise that history won't be repeated.. to then repeat it to the dotted i and crossed t, is just.. a slap in the face with a bulldozer.

I would honestly much rather that you stamp all over my ribs and stab me with my own broken bones than lie to me. Please. Actually, please.

Yeah, I know. Get over it. I should have been months ago. And I was. But it's just like lying is that stupidly unexpectedly crucial jenga block.

Urgh.

And the thing is, because I just feel like nothing when I remember/realise the lies, it's extremely hard to be normal and nice, which I do want to be, because 95% of me is happy, fine with it [pleased almost] and desperately doesn't want to go backwards/lose 33% of my 'friends' by being a dickface. Which is always what I do. Because all I can focus on is the fact that I've been lied to. Again.

It's like I'm a spazzy emo dictatorship.

Meh.

And I can't talk about it. Because there's no one here. And even if there were.. I just sound like a crazy bint.

I want FWL back. She always put up with my shit.

I should go to sleep.

I'm gonna update this soon. Just. When I feel less guilty about doing so...

Return to Bubble

I am back from my 5 day break.

And I don't know if it's the new frabbit, or what, but I feel odd.

I loved the trip. It was amazing, and I have so many little tales to tell, about crazy B&Bs with teapot obsessions and japenese koi carp. I also adored the polo. I mean, I was shit, but it was still awesome fun. I think I could quite happily run away to Argentina and play polo..

And now I'm back.

In some ways, I think it was really good to have a break, but in others it was probably really bad. For instance, I have a supervision in 3 hours, which I haven't even thought about, never mind locating the reading. And I'm not really panicked about it. So, yes, I'm chilled and relaxed, but I really shouldn't be. I should be all kinds of stressed about getting all my work done.

I should care. But I just don't. And as soon as I got back inside this bubble it's like I put on a big depressive coat. I'm watching the snow fall outside, and instead of being fascinated by how it falls, I just want to go curl up on my bed. I suspect I have issues. Shocker.

I want to go back to playing polo. That was fun.

I was a skank last night and didn't get changed from my 'whites' [after 0.05 seconds around horses they are anything but white] before going to an exec meeting and film night. I don't think anyone quite understood.

Hrm. I think what I was going to go on to should be saved for another post, given the impending supervised doom.

Box n' Locks

Mm. Supervisions all done. Contentment.

I should get a move one with next week's though. That way, the fact that I'm MIA for 5 days won't matter so much..

Nahhhh. Got a video to edit, and the possibility to paint..

-----

Anyway. I realised I am a Very Sad Individual today.

I was extremely proud of myself for doing OK in an essay. OK. Not well. Just okay.

And then, I was excited by buying Creme de Cassis de Dijon.

Not for the fact of kir royale potential, although that is majorly positive, but because Creme de Cassis de Dijon is MAJOR IN EU LAW. And now I OWN some. Plus, it has a really pretty label.

Oh. I wish I had time. I'd be such a better person if I had time. I could be interesting, because I could do interesting things with my time. I don't draw anymore, or paint. Or write. Or read. Or do anything really. I just exist, and procrastinate ineffectively from crisis to crisis.

It's like in this place of supreme individuals, with their endless talents I can't do anything. Which is such a shit attempt at an excuse. Doesn't hold up under scrutiny at all. Bleh.

Right. I am going to Do Something.

And not be frustrated by things not working. Or by dubious excuses.

---

"Hello this is your body"

-"What do you want my body?"

"I wanna feel somebody... "

Infra-blue

Life is too busy.

I need to stop taking chill time. Although it seems like chill time is enforced, seeing as even when I go to sainsbos, I have to hang around for half an hour in the queue. Srsly, major offending of my efficiency rules. It was a mess.

I'm reading a book on morality and lawz at the minute. It's actually interesting. I don't quite know what to do. Apart from read it and enjoy it. I hope the supervision on it is as interesting. It probably won't be.

I'm playing my first polo match tomorrow. It's going to be horrific. Oh well.

I'm also away for 4 days next week. Not good in terms of work. Shrug, I guess. Had to conveniently avoid mentioning that one in my dos meeting today. Funtimes.

Urgles.

Spent too long considering making coffee.

Better go make coffee.

Remember the days when I talked about stuff on this? Instead of making to do lists?

Yeah, me neither.

Oh bugger.

Why can I never get up the courage to just tap on the shoulder and say PLEASE DON'T GET OFF WITH SOME RANDOM IN FRONT OF ME.

Meh. I know it is none of my business. And perfectly within everyone's rights. But still.

I hate that it makes me sad.

And that it's so obvious, and that essentially everyone has realised that I have no friends.

I want to go home.

Face Up

Oh waiting for my clothes to dry...

There are so many other things that I could be doing right now. Productive things. But no.

I got some cereal yesterday, and it struck me, in sainsbos, that you never get toys in cereal anymore. I'm fairly sure this did used to happen, and it isn't just another figment of my imagination. This reinforces the 'things were better in my day' stint I've been having in the past couple of days. Entirely the fault of conversations about children's tv.

Right. Clothes should be done.

I say this, they probably aren't. The washing/drying machines each have their own version of timekeeping. The washing machine says 37 mins, I set my alarm for 38. I go back when the alarm goes off, machine says 7 minutes left! Crazy stuff.

Now, I just need to decide whether to go buy some wine that I like, or just get stuff from formal. Hrm.

Five A Day

These short days I rise when the sun is setting.. Which is fine by me..

Rar.

I should be being so much more productive. Oh well. At least I've just eaten a lot of blueberries. Vitamins FTW.

Yesterday was a Busy Saturday. I subbed into w1 and raced for 4k, only to have to cycle straight to a football match. 1-1. Meh.

After that, I had to get my schmooze on and go to a temple dinner. It was nice. Useless in terms of networking [had no professional near me], but I met some really interesting people, and one girl who was particularly amazing and grounded in reality. I also met some people who were fascinating in a very confusing way. The port was awesome.

I think I should have a lot more to update on. But I don't really. Apart from drinking far too much, far too often. Which will continue tonight, probably.

I don't want to do any work. I just want to sit here surfin' and listening to music. Sigh.

I had fun being very old the other night. This is mostly because I am now a total radio 4 fangirl. If radio 4 has fangirls. I was at a crew chew, and kept talking about radio 4 things. It was terrible.. I am not a good source of banter.. But hey, I love the shipping forecast. And feel that if I leave the radio on all night, I will somehow become smarter by osmosis. I deffos know more about what's going on outside the bubble. I have become amazing at irrelevant interjections.

I have to magically make a painting sometime soon. Don't know when I'll have the time, as I'm currently frittering all of it away.. doing nothing! Bargh!

I am not as lonely as you think I am, Captain Morgan in one hand...

Conclusion

I think I should drink less..

This has been my conclusion from the past three nights.

However, P'house's bar has GINGER BEER.

So pleased.

---

Blunt.

"I don't mean to be harsh, but you don't have any friends"

....

Ok. So.

It turns out I am a mess. A literal mess.

Stupidly, I thought I was ok.. But no. Of course I'm not.

I hate myself. I hate myself for being so fucking stupid. And selfish. And just a loser in general.

I mean, my god woman, GET OVER IT.

It's like there's rational me, and irrational me, constantly fighting for attention. And it makes me a twat. Rational me knew that this would happen. But for some stupid reason, I thought it would take longer. But no, c'mon, wise up. Of course it's going to happen straight away.

And why shouldn't it? Rational me says I should be happy. Y'know. For FM. Irrational me says I shouldn't have to have it shoved in my face, and that FM should be nice to me. Why does irrational me have to be quite so irrational?

Rational me agrees with friend, who says, well, why shouldn't FM do that? it's kind of within FM's rights.. Friend continues that maybe I should also go and pull. Friend doesn't seem to realise that I am NOT attractive, and won't ever get looked at twice. Ever.

And additionally, just for once. For ONCE, I would just like to be the one who recovers first.

You know. So when someone says.. I'm sorry I'm just a bit fucked up atm.. they stay fucked up, for a longer amount of time than I do. But of course that will never happen. Because I AM A RETARD.

I just wish I was emotionally mature enough to deal with this.

I repeat. I WANT TO GO HOME.

Rinse. Repeat..?

Please don't put your face into your hands, we could be friends..

I'm back in ze bridge. It is currently -3.2 degrees. This probably isn't very cold. But it really feels it when your room has not just single glazing, but BADLY FITTING WINDOWS.

I just want to go home. Which is quite novel. Normally I'm vaguely happy and content with coming back. But this time.. not so much. I just didn't want to. I was lying in my bed last night, feeling comfortable and warm, and I just did not want to get up and come here. I liked being at home and not doing anything. I have no desire to be back here, I don't.. even know what I'm getting at.

I think I've just had enough. That theory makes the most sense.

My hands are getting colder as I type.

Don't judge a book by the size of its wrist..

Whee. New archive line!

Well.

I guess it's time to call it a night. And a year.

When the cowboy film is on with a sign interpreter.. it's time to sleep.

I oddly felt the desire to purge myself of all thoughts tonight... by somehow telling everyone my honest thoughts about things.. like, if I said it in 2009, it would be forgotten by 2010, or at least not on the slate. Of course, I didn't pluck up the courage. But oh well. Probably for the best.

I hope anyone bothering to read this has a truly magnificent year!