Sinner's Serenade

Oh, God, no
Please don't tell her what I've done
I can hardly look at her
Everything I love, I hurt
Oh, God, yes
She is love, she is sex
But I used her for the game
A scapegoat to carry the blame
For a hate song
For a hate song
It's like masochism
I hate these hate songs
Holding a dove
Then clipping it's wings off
Someone you love
And you give them the kiss off
Someone to love
And you fuck it up

How I hate these dirty words I emulate
How I hate ruining what I create
How I hate this
(And I hate that you don't fall for it)
This sinner's serenade
This hate song (this self defecation)
Isn't helping anyone
Save the sinner
Save the sinner
He knows not what he's done to himself
What he's done to others
He hides behind words
He hides behind liquor
He hides in his bedroom with his guitar
Screaming, "Sinner!"

Oh, God
Look what I've done in the bedroom

Damn you Tim Kasher.

Interview went better than the last one, but that isn't saying much..

I am just such an epic fail. People who do nothing for a year and then cram like mad still outperform me. I am heading for £30k+ of debt for next year in london alone. I'm such a good daughter. Why is what I write never good enough? Maybe I just don't know the minimum amount of stuff. Although I'm fairly sure I was on equal terms with those who did alright. Sigh. I just feel so stupid. And like the past three years have been a complete waste. I'm like a tornado, destroying everything and everyone in my path. I suck. Just like a tornado.

Of course, I'm being arrogant by likening myself to a tornado. Tornadoes are powerful. Tornadoes are impressive. I am only pathetic.

Sigh. So apparently, I still don't really want to talk about it. Maybe it's because I still don't know where, or on what, I'm standing. Most likely to be shaky ground. Other possible answers on a postcard please.

There are so many songs written about this. This is what creativity comes from. So why can I only sit here and think 'fuck' over and over to myself?

I mean, I guess I'm still thinking about other things. People. Person. Damnit. Fuck. See? It happened again. I just want to have some semblance of a clue about what is going on. Instead of being in the dark. I know the dark is all I deserve, but I am nothing if not a complainer. Nightlight, maybe?

The sick thing is, that whilst I hate myself, and hate this mess, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do it again. And that is just... beyond my previous levels of selfishness. Christ.

Why all of a sudden have I decided to unleash 110% jerk? [aw, jeez, I can't even use 'jerk' now without afterthoughts. Fuck] I was holding a pretty decent 86% and then, whammo! [yes, comic book language is necessary] it was all out. I was going for broke. Will it be worth it? I'm making an educated guess that it won't. Fuck.

No matter how down or how drunk I was, there was still no excuse. No matter how much I wanted to, how desperately much I wanted to.. There is still nothing to mitigate my actions.

Maybe that's why I feel so worthless. I can't reason anything away this time. It was all me. And I wish it still was.