Used For Glue

This may or may not end up being a heavily music-influenced post.

All I can think is a massive "double you tea eff".

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the shittiest days I've experienced. I woke up voice-less. I had an interview which was just awful, because I was so stressed and shakey and sore and just... blegh. Then I came back, got my results. Predictably crap results. Which mean that I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life now. Bfast is out. LDN is a waste of money. Who knows what the hell I'm gonna do.

Typically, having survived the series of events thusfar, I decided to go drink. I hate myself. Oddly, not because I got drunk. But just in general, I did some Very Shitty Things.

I don't like being so easily susceptible. But I was. And now, I'm just confused.

I'm not sure how I'm gonna go about forgiving myself. I am such a shit. This is why I shouldn't allow myself to be selfish, even for a second. I'm bad news.

I got home this morning and just collapsed into bed, having swigged some night nurse. I can't tell if it's this cold or my own self-loathing which is stopping me from moving and feeling in any way human. Just why could I not, for once, think about somebody else for a change, and how my actions would make them feel? Or what my stupidity would do?

What I hate most is that I can't tell if I was just a prop, a device to easily make things happen. What's worse is that I don't know if I mind or not. There are just too many thoughts in my head.

And I don't know if I can admit what's actually going on in my head or not. I just want to curl up, be hugged, and for everything to be ok again. I always think there is more to stuff than there is. I think I just have to get over the fact that I'm essentially a waste of space and synapses, and that I will never get what my stupid emotions tell me I want. Christ.

This post doesn't make sense. It has come out completely wrong. Night nurse. Numb hands.

And there aren't any youtube videos of josh, so I can't put synthetics or blue and black up.

Blah.