I'm always annoyed at myself when I have these moments. Yeah, hindsight is great or whatever, but it doesn't really help anything. It's not going to change those very solid things. At most, hindsight will just warp your interpretations, perhaps making them somewhat more bearable. Or nothing will change and the memories will be just as stinging.
I think I'm going to introduce numbers to this post now. It makes it more list like.
What I Have Done In The Past Year
1) Not improved my employment prospects
I was gonna do everything this year. Really bulk up my CV and show that I am a Capable Person. Mini-pupillages-a-plenty, mooting, pro-bono til my bones bled... the lot.
Have I done any of it? Nope.
Any reason for not doing it? Not really. Still prefer to sit on my ass.
I was going to get a job too. Like, a normal one. One that I could actually possibly get (unlike pupillage). But that has also failed to happen. I have been rejected for every job I have applied for, without any interviews. Jobs that ask for 5 GCSEs grade A-C. Kind people tell me I'm "overqualified". I dispute this. There should be no such thing as overqualified. There certainly doesn't seem to be for pupillage. For other jobs, I am underqualified. My degree isn't good enough. I haven't spent a year in a "customer-facing role". I don't have experience of using Raiser's Edge. I bet Raiser's Edge is as blunt as a spoon.
Essentially I have come to the conclusion that I'm the Schrodinger's Cat of the employment world.. Underqualified and overqualified at the same time.
2) Got into a fuckload* of debt.
*new unit of measurement when it comes to money/alcohol/anything I am trying to describe.
Really, when I got my final results I should have said, "Ok. This is not great. Instead of spending an awful lot of money on a course that will not improve my employment prospects, and spending a year spending money, I will go home and get a job. Any job. At all."
But I didn't say that. I have spent the awful lot of money. And now I have none. I have less than none. A lot less than none.
3) Discovered that living with strangers can be Not Fun.
London. The Big Smoke. 24/7 City. OMGZZZZITSSOAMAZINGLIKEJIZZ!!
Or not. I've figured out that London SUCKS when you don't have a nice little niche to fit into. Had I had a job, or a flat with people that I knew, this year probably would have been a lot better. However, because I was at school with a load of people who have their own lives, and I was living with a separate load of people with their own lives, it never really worked out.
I've never felt so much like an isolated robot.
I got up, went to school, came home, sat in my room, ate in my room, slept, got up, went to school... and so on. There's a massive living room downstairs and I've used it about 3 times since living here.
I look at other friends who have moved to London, and they love it. And that makes me feel like even more of an anti-social failure.
4) Wasted a lot of time, effort and emotion for Nothing.
I guess this is the biggie. The one that you look back on and go 'WTF' at. Overall, I don't really know how I feel about it, apart from stupid. I suppose the best way to look at it, and one that could probably be classed as utilitarian if one were to be so inclined, is that I provided a valuable service. I was a minor distraction, a device that allowed someone to confirm what they really wanted and to go back and make something stronger and better. Good for them. I got what I deserved out of it. Still makes me feel confused and slightly sick though.
And that's where I'm finishing right now.
Blah.
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