yeah...

basically..
I feel like I'm about to have a minor breakdown. Of sorts.
Someone tell me that this stupid course is not everything in the world.
Looking at the stars helped for a while. But then I returned to the library.. and it was once again pointed out to me how stupid I am. Normally I'm ok with being the idiot, because I am an idiot.. but I wish that people wouldn't be so open about the fact that my stupidity confuses them. I mean, I had 20 minutes to create an argument without even knowing what I was arguing. So yes, I cited weird cases for no real reason apart from the fact that I MIGHT need them. Yes, I have had 3 days to prepare this. I would like to shout that I was SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEVEN. And I would also like to point out that I haven't had 3 free days to think about this.. No. I have had 2 supervisions to prepare for [which by the way are a teensy bit more relevant to my degree] so you know, yeah, I DON'T HAVE A CLUE. Why is this so confusing? I, unlike every other person in this fucking town, am not smart. I am painfully aware of this fact so please stop shoving it in my face. I feel crap enough about it already. Really. That doesn't need to be worried about. I can guarantee that I am stupidly low in self esteem levels, nothing in the past year has done anything to convince/persuade/suggest to me that I'm of any use or worth. In fact, the past few years have been pretty shite overall.
I want to be six again.
Six was simple. I wasn't weak when I was six. Or if I was, it was ok, because I was only six. Whereas now, I'm a big ole weak mess of emo. And I hate that I can't communicate this to anyone.. I hate that I can't communicate in general.. I don't speak the right way, I don't say the right things.. blah.

I have to create an argument now. 1.30am.. fuck.