Blunt.

"I don't mean to be harsh, but you don't have any friends"

....

Ok. So.

It turns out I am a mess. A literal mess.

Stupidly, I thought I was ok.. But no. Of course I'm not.

I hate myself. I hate myself for being so fucking stupid. And selfish. And just a loser in general.

I mean, my god woman, GET OVER IT.

It's like there's rational me, and irrational me, constantly fighting for attention. And it makes me a twat. Rational me knew that this would happen. But for some stupid reason, I thought it would take longer. But no, c'mon, wise up. Of course it's going to happen straight away.

And why shouldn't it? Rational me says I should be happy. Y'know. For FM. Irrational me says I shouldn't have to have it shoved in my face, and that FM should be nice to me. Why does irrational me have to be quite so irrational?

Rational me agrees with friend, who says, well, why shouldn't FM do that? it's kind of within FM's rights.. Friend continues that maybe I should also go and pull. Friend doesn't seem to realise that I am NOT attractive, and won't ever get looked at twice. Ever.

And additionally, just for once. For ONCE, I would just like to be the one who recovers first.

You know. So when someone says.. I'm sorry I'm just a bit fucked up atm.. they stay fucked up, for a longer amount of time than I do. But of course that will never happen. Because I AM A RETARD.

I just wish I was emotionally mature enough to deal with this.

I repeat. I WANT TO GO HOME.

Rinse. Repeat..?

Please don't put your face into your hands, we could be friends..

I'm back in ze bridge. It is currently -3.2 degrees. This probably isn't very cold. But it really feels it when your room has not just single glazing, but BADLY FITTING WINDOWS.

I just want to go home. Which is quite novel. Normally I'm vaguely happy and content with coming back. But this time.. not so much. I just didn't want to. I was lying in my bed last night, feeling comfortable and warm, and I just did not want to get up and come here. I liked being at home and not doing anything. I have no desire to be back here, I don't.. even know what I'm getting at.

I think I've just had enough. That theory makes the most sense.

My hands are getting colder as I type.

Don't judge a book by the size of its wrist..

Whee. New archive line!

Well.

I guess it's time to call it a night. And a year.

When the cowboy film is on with a sign interpreter.. it's time to sleep.

I oddly felt the desire to purge myself of all thoughts tonight... by somehow telling everyone my honest thoughts about things.. like, if I said it in 2009, it would be forgotten by 2010, or at least not on the slate. Of course, I didn't pluck up the courage. But oh well. Probably for the best.

I hope anyone bothering to read this has a truly magnificent year!

Two Thousand And Nine

I don't want it to go/be over.

New year means resolution, and fresh starts.. and ugh.

I'll have a ponder about what I'm going to not stick to this year.

3m

Aw,

I'm watching Three Men in Ireland. It's wicked.

'Would you like a cat?'

Apart from that, I'm being smoked out due to the prevailing NE wind.

It is feckin freezin these days. And so the fire is a must. But the wind keeps blowin' it the wrong way so it does.

Can't think of anything else to say.

Yuletide.

Hums.

Over for another year.

I always hope that Christmas will somehow be better than the last year. It never really is.

My home friends had organised a secret santa, and of course left me out of it. Which is fine, I suppose, but it would have been nicer for me had they not exchanged presents whilst I was standing there. Awkward. And then they all asked me to provide lifts home.

So that was nice.

We had goose this year. It was nice.

Presents were.. well, they're not really the point of the whole holiday, but I feel like I put more into it than others. I tried to be thoughtful.

Blah. I'm just in a humbug mood.

I am also doing nothing for new year. Which disappoints me. Because I explicitly stated ages ago that I wanted to do something with uni friends. But nothing was ever decided [yeah..ok..mostly my fault..] but.. arg. Right basically, I'm pissed off at FM, who initially said 'defs' to doing something, but then point blank refused to commit to anything, so I never booked flights over to the mainland. And yet now, FM just casually mentions that I could come over for new year. However, FM still has no concrete plans, but will probably go to a friend's party. I'm just a bit like WTF? Thinking I shouldn't spend £100+ on flights to go hang around with someone who wants to go to someone who I don't know's party, and I express this. 'But that's the point' says FM. W.T.F.

Arg.

I just cannot be fucked with "friends".

Happy freaking holidays.

Holmes

Hoooooome.

Where the woofer-barks roam.

And I sit on my arse all day watching cookery programmes.

Faaaaaat.

Quite want to go see Sherlock.

I need to do some work. Hums. Exam in less than a week. Blergh.

Got the christmas tree today. Made gingerbread and mincemeat yesterday. Still don't feel christmassy. Damnit.

At least I'm doing my usual music catch up.

Still depressed.

I should just start my own version of the shipping forecast.

Mini-P

So.

I've just finished day 4 of a mini-pupillage.

It's been good. I am sad that I won't get to see the end of the trial I've been following.. It feels a bit like leaving a movie half way through. I really do think people should go to the courts more, as a form of entertainment.. it's free!

The pupil that's with the counsel I'm following went to the same college as me, which is very cool and coincidental.

I am hopefully going to be able to see a really interesting family case tomorrow. Schawing. But I'm not sure if I'll be allowed... *fingers crossed*

Anyway. Apart from that, I'm surviving LDN, and warming to it slightly. Still no idea what I'm going to do with my life, and still disastrously depressed about things. Sigh.

Bah. I hate christmas.

Blue House Baby

Oh dear.

I have done no work all weekend. I have done nothing all week.

And I really do not feel in the mood to attempt the essay that is due in tomorrow.

I want to go to bed.

I don't ever really remember feeling this despondent before. Eurgh.

I wish this term hadn't happened.

NY1

I have woken up annoyed.

This does not bode well.

Urg.

Right. Facebook event creating time!

Damn

My plan for activity today was foiled by only getting up at 12.

Again.

2nd day in a row.

It keeps happening for no reason.. I shouldn't be tired!

Chilled

All the gold, and the guns, and the girls..

I have an acoustic version. It's nice.

One of our fellows died. He was a complete and utter legend. I was surprised by how sad I felt. It's quite strange. Anyway.

I have been trying to redo my cv today. It hasn't really worked. I don't think. I've basically put everything into slightly different lists, and cut out all the crap. At least it looks slim.

I just.. urgh. Want to be employed by somebody.

Right. Careers thing. Then club night. Will be good times. Tiring times. But still.

I'm still feeling sub-par. But then I do tend to drag these things out. I just.. want to sleep all the time. And do no work, because I can't concentrate. And I end up tired no matter how much I sleep [even though I haven't had much recently], and then I get all tetchy. Tetch, tetch.

Hmm. Must improve cv.

Can't remember what I was going to ramble about..

Headlock

I am still absolutely miserable.

I mean, well, like, not on the surface I suppose.

But inside.. I just.. it's not nice.

I just feel.. missing.. somehow.

I can't concentrate. I can't get out of bed. I can't really do anything.

And once again, I desperately don't want this term to end, because then it's all definitely gone for good. Sigh.

Another depressing thing is that I have noticed how few friends I have this year. Plenty of acquaintances, as always. But only 2 friends really. Like, people that I'd call if I felt like watching something stupid on tv. That's down like 66.7% Humphs.

Some non depressing things:

I watched dr. who.

Tegan and Sara were freaking awesome. Like uh-mazing.

I have double duveted my bed. Mm, warmth.

I watched monsters vs aliens, and it was hilarious. And had hugh laurie. Added bonus.

Mentioning hugh laurie has made me remember that there are probably a gazillion house episodes that I have to watch.

I am going to formal on Weds at a college I have never even been to before.

I haven't died yet.

I haven't been kicked out yet.

Rights, I should attempt to tidy my room or summat. Or watch more tv...

Hmm..

TandS

Were amazing.

End of.

5th Week Blacks N Blues

I think this is the worst 5th week I've ever had.

Today's mundane activities -

Football: I lost my clean sheet. 4-1. I hurt lots of my 'muscles' by throwing myself at the ground. I got kicked in the face.

Sadly, no black eye.

Polo: Was so tired from football/the cycle there that I just couldn't do anything. I nearly fell off. But my xc 'muscles' kicked in and I managed to stay on. So I guess that is actually a positive.

I am so tired that I could cry. Not that I need any more reasons to. I've got the crying thing down pretty well.

I am spending too long in bed.

I can't concentrate on anything.

Litch.

My little polo concentration bubble was burst. =(

Sigh.

Have so much stupid complicated reading to do for tomorrow.

Why can't this university invent time outs? Like, you get 3 a year.. for when things just get ridiculous. You could have a nice week off.

I am considering making a break for belfast. Or something. I don't really know. I just know I don't really want to be here. No one is left.

Bah.

3 wishes

I wish this hadn't happened.

I wish I could fix it.

I wish it didn't hurt.

I am not looking forward to the mess I am going to be.

At least I have a very nice husband, and a video project to focus on.

Focus.

Keep calm and carry on.

Oh god.

Scholar

Is one thing I am not.

Urgh.

I have filled in a scholarship form. I am not going to get anywhere with it.. oh well.

I'm used to it all by now!

I feel so incredibly tired, for no fucking reason. So annoying.

Have to write an essay for tomorrow. And I just don't want to. I can tell my supervision reports for this term are going to be shite.

So tired.

Sigh.

Oh if I was a labrador, I wouldn't be sad anymore, I'd just run about and piss on everything...

Yawn2

I have far too much to do, and I just want to go back to bed..