Confidon't.

So. 

I was down at the yard tonight, helping with the showjumping thing. And it occurred to me whilst I was putting up fences that from the ground, they don;t seem so big. But from horseback, they used to seem so scary. And I thought this was absurd.. From higher up, they should look lower.. less intimidating.. I found myself thinking comments all night about how everyone was riding.. what they needed to do to make their horse go better.. But then I remembered that if I were in control of the horse, a lot of other things would probably be going wrong.. 

And all of this reminded me that I still haven't really gained my confidence after losing it. Which sucks, because I really miss jumping. And horses in general really. Cos like, I can't really do anything apart from jumping. And it's been quite a while, so now I don't even know if I can ride anymore. Which is obscene. You don't do something for 14 years and then forget how it goes. Right?

But yeah, I was thinking about confidence.. and how I don't have it, and why I don't have it. With horses, it was when people kept questioning me, and being surprised when I didn't fuck up. It got so bad that I questioned myself and agreed with the people, I shouldn't be ok with this, I should be having more problems with what I'm doing.. And of course, because my horse felt me doubting, he started to play up. Which just fed the spiral. And I have never really been the same since. Which is stupid. And I know it's stupid. But I still worry that I'd be a complete failure if I were to try again. 

Then, I started thinking about confidence in more general terms. I can't face phoning people that I don't know. I want to kick myself for this. There is no reason why it freaks me out, but it does. I can ramble away to someone I know, no problem. In fact I quite like ramblin'.

I can't speak in front of a group of people. Which is again, insane, because when I was in primary school, what was I good at? Public speaking. Narrator every year. Always the one chosen to present. What the fuck happened? I wish I knew. 

Sigh. 

I've been watching a couple of episodes of Tim Gunn's guide to style or somesuch thing, and there's a life coach who is always on it. This life coach's main point to teach people is that they 'cannot control how they are perceived'. Which is bullshit. Of course they can control how they are perceived. At the very least, they can influence it. I know I am perceived as a dumb jackass. A dumb jackass who is probably very very weird. I could probably change this. But then, I would be misrepresenting myself. 

Sigh. I hate that I care. 

Right. sleep. 

---

I'm watching an elephant being dissected. 

I'm not sure if I'll be able to hack it. 

That was bad timing.. they've just hacked its legs off. 

Fascinating. Engineering of animals is very clever. 

---

I asked FWL to come up with a blog topic.. but I couldn't pick any of the ones she suggested. 

I know I have words in me somewhere.. I just don't know where. I like to think my lungs. 

But they're not happening right now. That's for sure.

Sigh. 

--

Man on the moon

I'm doing the usual thing of trying to get back into music.. 

Have downloaded some nice chooones.. I think. Want to catch up on some albums too. 

I have a list. [C'mon folks, you know I always have lists..] 

The list mostly consists of "hip" music. La roux, flo+machine, spektor, and so on. Also want to catch up on cantu, jawsh, placebo and generally everyone who might have something new. 

Any hints? 

I wish I wasn't so lame. 

It would make making friends easier next year.... Sigh. You just can't get the FWLs these days. 

Anyhooo... 

Heh. I think I've just seen people I know on glasto tv. Nice. 

I like the perspective that being out of the bubble brings... but I don't like the lack of people.. I think. And, I think, that I think more, because my thoughts aren't interrupted quite so much. Which is bad. You see, I think incredibly irrationally for the most part, if you hadn't noticed. Well. Actually. I disagree. Yes, with myself. Nothing new. I feel irrationally. As is the nature of feeling. But I then think about the irrational feelings and get that confused with the actual thinking. But anyway. I wish I was more rational. I also wish the prospect of a 9-5 job filled me with anything more pleasant than panic+apathy cocktail. But it doesn't. 

Hmm. I should go to bed. 

~ over and out.

uh.. oh dear

My mum has been home for about an hour and I am already off my face. 

Damn sparkling wine and empty stomach. 

Let's Talk Shite.

I'm watching a Victoria Wood live show thing. It's rather good. 

Diego keeps giving me his tennis ball. He's being rather persistent. Oh.. I told him to go away.. and he did.. I hope he's not upset =( 

Hmm.

Anyways. I was watching Let's Talk last night, which is a nirish equivalent of Question Time.. And a question about levels of intolerance came up, in relation to Rantzen's comments. 

Honestly. I just wish I could scream at this country. 

Basically, every member of the panel disagreed with Rantzen's comments, but failed to back up what they were saying. The head of the Equality Commission used the fact that a recent survey showed that 25% of people here have intolerant attitude to 'the travelling community, immigrants, lesbian women and gays and so on' to support her disagreement with Rantzen. And then added that all of the findings were actually up 10%. o_O 

Survey

Oh. Only 25%. ONLY 25%.. well that's alright then. 

She then went on to refer to all of these minority groups as 'people that are y'know different'. Now, I'm not all that up on eqlspk, but I'm fairly sure that using 'different' is a no-no. No? 

Urgh. 

Then someone else blamed the media for latching onto the story, when there are similar stories elsewhere. Which may be a point.. but the major one is that this shouldn't be happening ANYWHERE. And then another person said that everyone should lay off, because we've been through a lot with the troubles and so on.. 

At this point I really wanted to shout: THAT'S THE POINT. STOP USING THAT AS AN EXCUSE! For Christ's sake, we can't use 'oh, but we had the troubles and they were really bad, so it's ok, and you can't be too harsh on us' as an excuse forever. People get away with far too much under "The Troubles". 

But anyway. I ran out of steam on what I was annoyed about a while ago.. Got distracted by tv. Typical. 

Last night alone in the house =) 

But I still ache very badly if I attempt to move too much. Concerning. 

Sigh... 

Please, someone, give me some motivation, some reason.. I just.. urgh. 

~over and out

Crackle-time

My lungs keep crackling.. I think I now know what it's like to have ass-mar. It's like someone's knocked up the resistance level of my chest cavity, so it's all difficult and annoying to breathe. But I guess the snapping, crackling and popping provides interesting background noise. 

I went to the recruitment agency today. Had to fill in stupid forms and contracts. They didn't seem to understand the concept that I don't really have any past employers to give references. One is in Canada. The other closed up shop. It's almost as bad as when my dog actually ate my homework. Seriously. Happened once. 

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow, and I dun wannaaaaa. I hate the dentist. Makes me all nervous. I just want to be able to sleep. 

OH MY GOD. HOLLYOAKS IS USING TEGAN AND SARA. NOOOOOO.  

Not that I was..uh.. watching hollyoaks or anything... 

Ugh. I have to apply for jobs. Like, PROPER jobs! But.. Oh it's just going to be so depressing. =/ I really don't know what I'm going to do. 

Might as well get right into the rejection though. Let'sko! 

Urgh. Christ. I actually can't handle this coughing. I can't inhale enough to cough properly. Nevermind. 

I should.. like.. do something now.. 

'Beneath my goody-two-shoes there lie some very dark socks..'

Twilight Galaxy

So, my metric album finally came. And I'm excited about it.

My cold has gotten worse, I feel like shit. Or more accurately, like I'm wandering around in a face-wrenchingly painful daze. Not nice. 

Plus side - work! yay! I have to go register on Thursday though. Which will be a pain. I also need to update my CV. Which I don't really want to do. At all. Eurgh. 

Gah. I hate headaches. 

Plus side - England in less than a month! flights booked and all. 

Christ. My face hurts. 

Sigh. There is no one to talk to. I don't like it. It makes me feel sad =( 

 

Glurck.

Ugh.

I have got myself a cold already. Disgusting. 

I rang the job centre today, they told me that there was no work. Joy. I'm going to sign on with them anyway. Not that my cv is particularly sparkling. But anyway. 

I am bored already. But enjoying the comforts of home. And the hounds are quite cute. 

Before I left uni, I went into a bookshop. It was wonderful. I wanted to buy so many books. The were all so interesting. I like things that are interesting. I like being fascinated. I don't think it happens enough. If only I could be allowed to wade my way through things I found interesting.. Sigh. 

I love bookshops.. I can spend hours in them.. It is, I think, that I like shops that are full of things. Different things. Things, things, things.

Uuurgh. I hate planes. They always make me feel like crap afters. 

Writing.. hmm. I'll deal with that later. 

Filler 3

There will be an update. Soonish.

But right now, I am in my bed, and it is fawesome. 

- writing

- bookshops

- rarrgle.

Desmond

 Oh well.  I just...

I dunno. Time will tell. 

Fuck. Can't believe it's summer. 

I think I want to cry, really. But I'm not really sure why. Well, no, there are a number of reasons why I might want to cry right now. But they all feel a bit pansy. Let's go with everything slipping away from me. Inclusive of time of course. 

Blah. 

I have so many random items to deal with. Erk. 

The Prayer

I am still wrecked. Have managed 1.5 hrs of sleep in the past 48. Which I know should be bearable.. But the packing fear is taking hold. And the combination aint great. 

ANYWAY. The Ball was AMAZING. Like, really, proper immense. 

Everyone looked awesome. [apart from me, probbarz, but there were no mirrors so my statement still holds]. 

College looked incredible. I don't know how they managed to make the space feel so different and increased, but they did. 

The food, oh god, the food.. DELICIOUS. The alcohol, AMAZING. An affectionate old boy donated all the port. 

I was smashed by the starter thanks to the torrent of champagne that was available beforeand. It was YUM. I don't normally like champagne unless it has ribena in it, but this stuff was awesome. And unlimited. Like actually unlimited though. And then after the meal the stuff was all so awesome. Defs ranks in my top nights. Which I should really think about and list sometime. But I'm lame, and so my list would also be lame. 

Anyways. 

I can't believe another year has gone. I have one left. I'm not sure what it's going to be like. Weird. 

Also. Results are soon, and I'm dreading them. I know that I can't have done well. And I know that this will make getting a job near impossible. And this just makes my life even more of a shrug. 

AND; I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF.

~over and out

Knackered

The ball was uh-mazing.

But in S-R-S need of sleep. Like really. 

But can't go to sleep in case courier comes. Might not wake up. 

I don't function well without sleep. 

Will talk about ball later. 

Must. make. coffee.

Trunk

Hums. 

I have a trunk in my room. A large trunk. A soon to be heavy trunk. And by heavy, I mean HEAVY. I don't really know what I'm going to do with it.. but oh well. I'm sure it will all work out. Somehow. 

Right ok. List. Need a list. 

• Pack trunk
• Go buy boxes
• Pack boxes
• Remember to be in for collection of trunk
• Remember to put boxes in storage
• Get all my crap together for may ball eviction
• SUBJECT CHOICES
• DO ALL OF THIS SOON

Christ. And results are out soon. Not. Good. 

One good thing is that I now have the right to buy an oar. Which is ace, as it appeal to my ridiculous side. 

There are many bad things to contrast this good thing though. 

Blah.

MAY BALL!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! 

Mustn't get too excited. 

-----

I have too much stuff. 

Far, FAR too much. 

It makes me angry. And I want to get rid of it all. But then I can't decide what to scrap. Humph. I think I need my six boxes. 

BCD

On suicide sunday rather than yesterday. CONTROVERSIAL. 

Ums, lots of things to talk about really. But I don't want to, because I'll get too upset over nothing. 

Blah. 

Rumble

Hums. 

My head hurts. I think perhaps because I have eaten a slice of toast, some wine gums and jelly babies so far today. So dominominos is on its way ^_^

Bumps are on. So far they've gone well, but day three, as ever will be the turning point.. 

Exam results in.. 9 days... 

CRAP. 

I just.. urgh. Going to be so difficult next year when every job requires a 2.i 

I need to eat something. I also need to tidy my room. I suspect something within these walls is making me ill. Well, I don't really, but if I pretend that I do then maybe I will actually tidy. It's ridiculous that I need to try and trick myself this much. 

Parent and sibling arriving tomorrow. Funtimes. 

I also have to choose my subjects for next year, and I'm so confused about it. I really have no idea what to do. Dissertation? Maybe. If I can word my question well enough. Which I won't be able to. Hum.

--

Trying to decide whether to watch pathology or not. Hums. I have eaten relatively recently. 

Maybe not.. 

Inappropriate

This time, baby, I'll beeeeeeeeee BULLET...PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF... 

I really, really won't. 

Too Little, Too Late.

Yawn.

Right. I'm being positive. 

I have one exam left, and actually, I'm really interested in the subject. That doesn't mean I'll do well of course. Family has illustrated that perfectly. But positive! 

It means I'll enjoy doing the prep reading!

Other positive things... um.. let's see. 

Ooo.. had a pig out and movie night last night. Which was sweeeeeet. I lessthanthree desperados. Reckon it's my round next. FM and I were going to settle our bet [finally] and go to cafe rouge. But then it got late, I got hungry, and the place looked busy. Which is a shame really. Because on the way back from buying stupid movies [yeah, bought pathology, tired to watch it whilst eating. Had to stop. Gonna have to watch it some other time..], we saw people we knew in every restaurant apart from french land. So had we joined the fun, there would have been a complete run from ask to rouge. Of course, had we gone, I wouldn't have known this. But that's besides the point. Spoke to AFT. Was, as always, interesting. She had the look of exams about her. 

There's a definite look. I've decided. It's all the rage this term. 

Uuurgh. I should really start typing up notes to give to people. 

Went rowing this morning for the first time in a week. Felt like a complete gimpoid. I had swapped sides though. Which excuses a bit of it. But not all of it. 

Right. Prisons. 

Joy. 

I want to shout at people. 

~ over and out. 

... Is Burning

It wasn't ok. It was an unmitigated disaster. 

I spazzed all over that paper. I know that isn't a very politically correct thing to say. But right now, I don't really care. 

FWL, said that WGL made a good [but depressing] point today, before the exams. Six months, countless lectures, nine supervisions, and perhaps a bit of personal study, not to mention exam term revision... and what effect does it have? I would have done just as well today had I started from scratch yesterday. Which, I know I basically did, but had I not had all the irritating background 'knowledge' noise of, "isn't there some rule that makes that an exception? I mean, it wouldn't make sense but I'm sure there's something about that.." I probably would have done a lot better. 

Bleurgh. 

So yes. It was terrible. And I now see little point in doing anything else. And I just want to go lounge in the sun.

Here's a positive point [to try and reduce from critical point]: AW was there after my exam [which she has been for all of them so far, actually] and she gave me ALCOHOL to MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. YUM YUM YEAST FERMENTED FUN IN MY TUM. She always has alcohol. I love her. She is like an amazing superhero whose power is to summon alcohol. She gave me vodka in a chapel once. 

urgh. right. 

Law.

C'mon. 

I hate you. 

You hate me.

Let's make babies. 

*headdesk*

Oh man.

I think, I just feel desperation. 

1) I am sleepy

2) I am hungry

3) I am sick of my hair not realising it's been washed

4) I feel bad for not being tour guide for 5 mins, and annoyed for not being able to. 

5) I want to drink. Lots. 

6) I want this exam to go away. 

7) I hate law. 

8) I like numbering things. 

9) I don't like talking about revision with people who aren't stressed. 

10) I don't like people who are stressed.

11) I don't like stress. It makes me spotty, fat, and unclean. Eurgh. 

I could have a nice little breakdown. But that would be inefficient and unproductive. Bleh. 

At least, since the medic influx last night, I feel slightly more normal. In a there-are-others-who-are-as-cracked-as-I-am way. Except that they've been under considerably more stress than I have. Oh well. I'm a whinger. 

Right. C'mon. Concentrate. 

Sigh. Why do I just feel bad? No sense.

CONCENTRATE. 

I will fail these exams beating like moths wings; spastic and violently.