Withdrawl

Addiction sucks.
Well, actually, it's not so much the addiction as the withdrawl..
I mean, I guess addiction does suck in that you become reliant on something and you can't guarantee that it will always be available. But whilst it is there, everything's great. Once it's gone and you have to go all cold turkey then it really freakin' blows.
And really I don't know what I'm talking about. But meh... Do I ever?

F.I.R.E.I.N.C.A.I.R.O

Yeah so, withdrawl..
When you decide to give up is there more of a conviction to do so? Like, because you have made that choice is it easier to just cut whatever out? I suppose it must be. And it probably depends on what you're cutting out as to how much will power is needed. Hmm..
And then.. when you don't make that decision.. is it harder? Because you hadn't prepared yourself and thought about it... I'm just talking crap aren't I? oh well. Just let me ramble for a bit further.. Because right, I accept the situation, really, I do. And most of the time it's okay and I'm cool. But then I just have these moments where I miss it majorly and I hate it.. I hate not being able to forget about it and get over it as quickly and as easily as everyone else can. I hate that despite the fact that I know the facts and can cope most of the time, there are still times when it gets to me and I revert back to my old position of not understanding.. I don't know what I miss exactly.. I guess I miss fooling myself into thinking that I was worth something..Or that sense of safety.. Or just generally, really.
But then of course, a little while later, everything's back to being ok again.. and I'm all grand.
Going back and forth sucks.
And I don't even know what exactly I'm complaining about. I'm just complaining! okay?!
Maybe it's just because I suck. And can't cope with cutting something out completely.. dead..gone.. zilch. But then.. I can kind of.. It's just when I realise I've done it that things go wrong.
And also when I remember that anyone else affected is completely fine and cool 24/7 and no longer cares about it... I mean, I don't know what I actually expect.. Nothing really. When I actually think about it. People are better than me, why wouldn't they get to 100% and just move right along? [and good on 'em, I'm happy for them]. Instead of my method of slowly recovering and maintaining a level of maybe 95% for a while. There are way more infinitely awesomer and more fun things out there, so why not get to them asap? Do I really expect people to actually care/be affected in any way? Because that really would be stupid of me.
None of this is my place..
I don't know why I'm bothering to type..
I have everything sorted in my head. Just about. I just have moments. Moments where I'd like to talk about it with someone relevant.. but that isn't really possible. Even if it was possible, you know I'd just go and fuck it up even further than I have done thusfar. Without meaning to at all. Because I do accept everything... I get it. I just.. don't know. For some reason it niggles me still. It'll stop soon, I know it will.
Perhaps it's just because I'm a loser. I think that pretty much causes and explains everything.

Don't get attached to life...

Sigh.. I guess it was the associated stuff that I wasn't prepared to have to go without. But I do have to.. for now at least. And it sucks. And maybe it will get better. Following this, it possibly won't. Although yeah, really, this will make no difference. But then I guess that the associated stuff belongs to someone else now anyway. I just... gah!

Bluuuuurgh.

I don't know what I'm getting so caught up about. There isn't anything to get agitated over, and nobody else even considers it.

So basically this was a waste of space, and I am fully aware of this fact.
I apologise for making you endure this..
I will be back to normal in 5 mins. You'll see.

~over and I promise I'm not a psycho.