Storytime.

Once upon a time there was a scruff. The scruff was stupid by most accounts. There were a few accounts that were positive, but they were a bit dodge, due to bad book-keeping and the like.

Scruff was having a pretty miserable life. Scruff was indeed shown to be stupid, and not very good at keeping friends, and had no real Reason to exist.

One day, Scruff met a tall[er], dark[er], handsome[r] (although it was hard not to be) Strange[r]. The Strange was not strange in any of the normal contexts. Strange was strange because of the conceptual confusion surrounding her. She was very pretty, but did not exploit this to her advantage. She had eyes that could steal the work of swords, x-rays, and small puppies, but she let them keep their jobs. Strange also wore a hat extremely well. As Scruff illustrates, it is hard to wear a hat. Not everyone has a head that can handle them. Indeed, most of the heads that think they can handle them are not, in fact, wearing the hat, but being worn.

Strange's hat knew its place. It rested there with the appropriate easy slouch and worked in conjunction with Strange's eyebrows to convey confusion and disbelief amongst other things that made the cause of the emotion feel rather as if they had forgot to dress themselves that morning.

Strange had the ability to make people go off on rather large diatribes about hats.

Scruff had been previously been considered to be good at counting. Scruff had passed exams in Complicated Counting. But even those qualifications were not enough to enable Scruff to count the leagues between her and Strange. Scruff's neck felt sore even thinking about how far above her Strange resided. And yet, when Strange talked to Scruff she made Scruff feel as if she had been dragged up to the upper realms where the decent folk hung out. Scruff was fairly wary of this at first. She didn't really know how to be A Good Person. And that was what Strange made her feel like. All of a sudden Scruff felt of some worth. Roughly equivalent to that of iron and steel. Scruff began to like feeling that she had a value, that there was a little speck of Reason beginning to grow and explain her internal organs working so consistently.

To be continued. And then moved to voat...

Just Say... shrug?

I've definitely been awake for too long.. my awake:asleep ratio is all off, and my eyelids are sticking together. It's like their way of forcing sleep upon me.

Also, sia's song makes me want to cry. I'm not sure what has caused this reaction to it but oh well.

And also, I haven't felt a snow patrol song summed up any moment in my life so accurately since I was about 14. Shockface:

I mean, yes, it's upbeat and I'm very not, but still. Lyrics are there. Good ole Gary.

Right. I need to crawl into bed and curl up into the foetal position.

Heavy In Your Arms

And is it worth the wait,

All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand,
Protecting both your heart and mine?
Who is the betrayer,
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound
[...]
My love has concrete feet, my love is an iron ball...
[...]
This will be my last confession
"I love you" never felt like any blessing
Whisper it like it's a secret
Uttered to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart..

I'm really feelin' the twilight soundtrack.

That might just be because I have had 3 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours though.

Got up at unreal o'clock on saturday, went to ldn, opened bank account, sweated all over the shop, had interview, sweated all over the mall, got to drinking at my bro's bbq, got drunk, went to see twilight eclipse in a most lovely little place called Finchley, stood in central ldn til 3am, got back to bro's flat and didn't sleep much...

I just wish I knew what I was doing. It's like there's a little switch that flips in my head when it comes to KJ. I just can't help it. And that sounds like the worst ever excuse for being a shit human being. I just... arg. I dunno. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. KJ has finally realised what a cunt I am. But gah, the feelings are still insane.

Just for tonight darling, let's get lost..

I am so tired. I couldn't even drive home.

Nerves

Hmm.

Interview tomorrow. It's not going to go well. Doesn't stop me getting nervous though.

I suppose I am lucky in that I have other things to look forward to/be nervous about after t'interview, so I hopefully won't have time to think about how terrible it was..

Also. Not happy that it's gonna be 30 degrees. Suit. Black suit. Not. Fun.

Sigh. The intl has also introduced a drop off charge. £1. Which is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I'd rant about it.... but I'm not gonna.

Hedgehog

Midsomer vs Clever Cows.

Tough.

Sigh.

I want to curl up in a ball and not move. I might extend to clutching my ipod.

Sofa Surfin'

Lounging on the sofa with 1.43 hours of battery left.

Should be enough time to ramble some crap.

It really annoys me that I can't write.

Anyway.

I am just in an emo little mood. I have 2 playlists on the go at the minute. They're not very good. I'm not overly happy with them. They have the right songs. I might add a few more. I think I'm just singing along far too enthusiastically.

What am I even talking about? Argh. What the fuck. I can't focus. I just want to swear.

I can't sit still. I want to be doing something. But I can't figure out what. Fuck's sake. I think I need a punchbag. Except those never work because I get bored and annoyed after the first two punches.

It was raining really heavily here earlier, and I had to run out to change where the pony was. It was really nice. I think I just want to go outside and get rained on. It would let me escape my head for a while. And my head is just tormenting me massively at the minute. Keeps concentrating on things I can't have. Which is just so incredibly frustrating.

One thing caught my mind off guard though. Diego smashed into my nose earlier. He hit that spot which is intensely painful and makes your eyes water. I couldn't do anything for a good 45 seconds. So, yeah. That was my relief for today.

I'm such a sucker for a sweet talker.

Dirt kickin'

Sigh.

I wish I wasn't so demanding and abrasive when I'm [trying to be] concerned and caring.

Casual

FWL just texted to say she might not be able to visit as planned, because she's currently in a french hospital having had her appendix removed yesterday. As you do.

Shrug.

It's a common theme amongst my friends. Quite worrying.

Foxin'

Sigh.

This fox is messin' wit ma home pigeons. Well, peacocks. And hens. So we're on a stake out.

I wish I had a sniper rifle or something cool. Not to use, obviously. Just to hold and play the part.

We replenished the chickens today. Got 4 point of lays. Hopefully they won't get snarfled. I'm not sure if my chicken house enhancements will be successful against mr. foxy. If they are I think I'll put it on my cv. 'Outwitted a fox' has to be good, no?

Ah, cripes. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I just want to put everything on hold for the summer, and just drift about. Not having to worry about decisions or responsibilities, or thinking long term... Yes, I'm afraid of the future. So shoot me.

Got back on a horse earlier. I got the delightful job of reintroducing him to the road and delights of hacking.. Luckily, he didn't pull his usual trick of refusing to move/tanking off. My arms couldn't have handled the tanking. Especially after lugging hay bales about. C'mon upper body strength... Exist!

In other news.. I've been pretty distracted recently.. and I want to talk about it and try to sort it out, because I just feel so.. I dunno.. I just really want things I shouldn't. And whilst I know I shouldn't, that doesn't seem to stop me. I have atrocious timing. But dayum.

----

Phone conversation

----

Aw man... Right. I've got to admit this somewhere.

I am so majorly into KJ that it's beyond belief. Even though my head protested to begin with, and still has its moments, it seems mostly cowed into submission now. Like, I know it's wrong. I know it's the very definition of dickspitish. But I seriously cannot help it. I just can't stop thinking about KJ. When I wake up.. During the day.. [when I'm building a fucking chicken house for fuck's sake].. Before I go to sleep.. When I sleep.. It's a constant thoughttrain... and yet, I never get bored of it. I never regret it. Heck, I mostly forget about the wider details of the situation. And I don't think I care. Which is awful. Terrible. Despicable. I know this. And I'm still thinking about KJ. More and more. If you knew KJ you'd probably get it.. but still.

----

Phone conversation 2

----

~~~

Brief fox-chasing interlude. No, really. Bastard fox. I'm glad I don't live within sight of neighbours... Fucking fox. I had to hang up like a jerk because of you.

~~~

Oh christ. I'm a twat. A massive twat. I wish I could explain myself. I wish that not verbalising your thoughts/feelings because you're scared by how deep they go was a reasonable thing, easy to explain. It's not by the way, just in case anyone was wondering. At least, not if you're me. I hate falling. Have I ever mentioned that? I very much mirror the sperm whale in hitchhikers. I'm a goner. Hook, line, sinker. Sigh.

I really don't know what to do though. I'm accused of lying upon every attempt at being honest about the thoughts that are shouting themselves hoarse in my head. It doesn't help that I find it tough enough at the best of times to adequately express what I think/feel. Words, I wish you would listen to me. I wish you would say what I mean to. I wish you could make me appear better than I am. Because the truth is, I want to be better than I am. I want to be worth something. And I want to be what some crazy deluded person thinks I am. Oh god, I'm a sucker. Complete. Utter.

Argh. Look at all my 'I wants'.. I'm so selfish. But again, I don't seem to care. I just.. want.. so badly. Fuck.

Interim

I don't like falling. It's unnerving.

And it means, at some point, that I have to face up to the fact that I've hit the ground.

I'm gonna update properly tomorrow.

Hint

Ok. So I may be pretty oblivious, but I know when to take a hint to back the hell off.

So I guess I will.

Christ, why am I such a klutz.

Memo1

Josh - Blue and Black

Brand New - Okay, I believe you but my tommy gun doesn't

Rilo Kiley - The Good That Won't Come Out

Stars - Your Ex Lover Is Dead

Bon Iver - Blood Bank

Something Corporate - I kissed a drunk girl

Rilo Kiley - Portions For Foxes

Rival Schools - Used For Glue

Before I forget. Progress so far.

Sinner's Serenade

Oh, God, no
Please don't tell her what I've done
I can hardly look at her
Everything I love, I hurt
Oh, God, yes
She is love, she is sex
But I used her for the game
A scapegoat to carry the blame
For a hate song
For a hate song
It's like masochism
I hate these hate songs
Holding a dove
Then clipping it's wings off
Someone you love
And you give them the kiss off
Someone to love
And you fuck it up

How I hate these dirty words I emulate
How I hate ruining what I create
How I hate this
(And I hate that you don't fall for it)
This sinner's serenade
This hate song (this self defecation)
Isn't helping anyone
Save the sinner
Save the sinner
He knows not what he's done to himself
What he's done to others
He hides behind words
He hides behind liquor
He hides in his bedroom with his guitar
Screaming, "Sinner!"

Oh, God
Look what I've done in the bedroom

Damn you Tim Kasher.

Interview went better than the last one, but that isn't saying much..

I am just such an epic fail. People who do nothing for a year and then cram like mad still outperform me. I am heading for £30k+ of debt for next year in london alone. I'm such a good daughter. Why is what I write never good enough? Maybe I just don't know the minimum amount of stuff. Although I'm fairly sure I was on equal terms with those who did alright. Sigh. I just feel so stupid. And like the past three years have been a complete waste. I'm like a tornado, destroying everything and everyone in my path. I suck. Just like a tornado.

Of course, I'm being arrogant by likening myself to a tornado. Tornadoes are powerful. Tornadoes are impressive. I am only pathetic.

Sigh. So apparently, I still don't really want to talk about it. Maybe it's because I still don't know where, or on what, I'm standing. Most likely to be shaky ground. Other possible answers on a postcard please.

There are so many songs written about this. This is what creativity comes from. So why can I only sit here and think 'fuck' over and over to myself?

I mean, I guess I'm still thinking about other things. People. Person. Damnit. Fuck. See? It happened again. I just want to have some semblance of a clue about what is going on. Instead of being in the dark. I know the dark is all I deserve, but I am nothing if not a complainer. Nightlight, maybe?

The sick thing is, that whilst I hate myself, and hate this mess, I'm not sure that I wouldn't do it again. And that is just... beyond my previous levels of selfishness. Christ.

Why all of a sudden have I decided to unleash 110% jerk? [aw, jeez, I can't even use 'jerk' now without afterthoughts. Fuck] I was holding a pretty decent 86% and then, whammo! [yes, comic book language is necessary] it was all out. I was going for broke. Will it be worth it? I'm making an educated guess that it won't. Fuck.

No matter how down or how drunk I was, there was still no excuse. No matter how much I wanted to, how desperately much I wanted to.. There is still nothing to mitigate my actions.

Maybe that's why I feel so worthless. I can't reason anything away this time. It was all me. And I wish it still was.

Creak.

Right. I have to become somebody else. Get through this interview. Considering I've just spent approx 30 hours in bed, it's gonna be interesting.

My brain just feels like a rusty door, refusing to open fully and give any indication of having any knowledge inside it whatsoever. Sigh.

How am I just so amazing at messing things up? And why do I simultaneously want to a)run away and b)make it worse? Swear words aren't enough for this.

Maybe I should try this exile business. How dare I even consider anything else. Ah, christ. I need a new head. One which doesn't think about things it shouldn't. Fuck.

When I get back from ldn, I'm gonna have an actual stab at figuring out.

Used For Glue

This may or may not end up being a heavily music-influenced post.

All I can think is a massive "double you tea eff".

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the shittiest days I've experienced. I woke up voice-less. I had an interview which was just awful, because I was so stressed and shakey and sore and just... blegh. Then I came back, got my results. Predictably crap results. Which mean that I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life now. Bfast is out. LDN is a waste of money. Who knows what the hell I'm gonna do.

Typically, having survived the series of events thusfar, I decided to go drink. I hate myself. Oddly, not because I got drunk. But just in general, I did some Very Shitty Things.

I don't like being so easily susceptible. But I was. And now, I'm just confused.

I'm not sure how I'm gonna go about forgiving myself. I am such a shit. This is why I shouldn't allow myself to be selfish, even for a second. I'm bad news.

I got home this morning and just collapsed into bed, having swigged some night nurse. I can't tell if it's this cold or my own self-loathing which is stopping me from moving and feeling in any way human. Just why could I not, for once, think about somebody else for a change, and how my actions would make them feel? Or what my stupidity would do?

What I hate most is that I can't tell if I was just a prop, a device to easily make things happen. What's worse is that I don't know if I mind or not. There are just too many thoughts in my head.

And I don't know if I can admit what's actually going on in my head or not. I just want to curl up, be hugged, and for everything to be ok again. I always think there is more to stuff than there is. I think I just have to get over the fact that I'm essentially a waste of space and synapses, and that I will never get what my stupid emotions tell me I want. Christ.

This post doesn't make sense. It has come out completely wrong. Night nurse. Numb hands.

And there aren't any youtube videos of josh, so I can't put synthetics or blue and black up.

Blah.

*twitch*

I'm at that stage of sleep deprivation where I keep jumping at everything.. It's a funny feeling.

I'm hoping that mint tea will fix it, as per FWL's advice.

Affair was awesome, and thankfully not as disasterous as I thought it would be. Only thing is, I am now shattered (see above) and have another one tomorrow night, followed by an interview.

Oh, and results.

Fuck.

Everyone around me is getting firsts.. and I am going to get a desmond at best. Fuckity Fuckit.

I had a nice little spaced out moment last night, lying sprawled on the floor of king's chapel, staring at the ceiling, listening to one of my insanely talents friends singing and just thinking 'wow'. About everything.

I need more mint tea.

8 hours

That's all I have left of my degree.

Bugger.

The two exams I'm about to do are not going to go well.

When they're done, I can write a long ramble though. Now there's something to look forward to.

Not.

Hanging

I am so hungover.

WHAT AM I DOING?

I just shouldn't have ever uttered the words 'no, I'm not drinking.. I have to go work later'.

BAD PLAN.

uuuuuuuurgh.

I have two exams tomorrow. I am such an idiot.

C'mon peppermint tea. Make me human again.

Feck.

Blogger keeps logging me out. It never used to. Maybe it's giving me a hint.

I have my first exam in 4 days.

I am FUCKED.

FUCKED.

Sigh. I don't know why, but I just can't concentrate, or feel in any way motivated.

I know that I need a 2.1. I know I do. I know that at this rate I'm not going to get one.

And that freaks me out, and makes me feel sick, but nothing ever comes from it. Bleurgh.

I might as well try to do some law here. Let's see. EU. Fun. Times.

Right, so, goods problem questions.

The first step is to identify the obstacle. Is it a QR? MEE? CSA?

If QR -> Then Geddo. Also, always distinct and direct, so it breaches 34 and is only justifiable by a 36 derogation.

If MEE -> Then probably Cassis line. Justifiable by mandatory requirements.

If CSA -> Keck.

Basically.

It's so warm. I would love it normally. Stupid exams. I can't wait til I can just piss about all day. But at the same time.. slightly scared by the ultimate leaving. I honestly can't believe it's been 3 years. I can't believe I wasted so much of it on falsities. Oh well.

C'mon eu, I gotta master you before equity cramming can begin.

Triangles

Ah fuck it.

Let's be ranty again.

Ok, facebook. I like you. Really, I do. But I'm beginning to notice that you keep bringing things to my attention to which I would rather not attend. Such as:

"KF > FM - liked by 2.0" being at the top of my news feed, followed by,

every FM profile picture in existence being commented on by 2.0 and PPF.

I know it's not your fault facebook, but I can't help but feel a bit miffed at you. If only because I can't openly feel miffed at anyone else. Like, just fuck off? The amount of 14yo rock I've had to listen to to not punch walls and throw up has been incredible. I know that I am hideously inadequate in every quantifiable way, but I'm not that fussed on being reminded of it at every opportunity. It really is not helping my already lacklustre concentration levels. God's sake.

Maybe I'll go write a strongly worded letter.

yaun.

Sleep deprived. Yuh-huh. Stupid election. Can't moan as much as the bbc team though.

I was rather pleased by how home turned out, in general.

But that hasn't really been enough to make today productive in any shape or form.

T - 19 days.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

I just want to punch things out of frustration with myself. And others. I worry that one day I'll just knock a switch and go guano. Although that could be quite amusing. It'd probably last for about 5 seconds before I got tired and had a nap.

Right. Bed like.

Comets

Take your time and always think before you speak.. for some of us this is not undertaken so easily..

Oh dear. Supervision today, haven't quite got around to understanding the stuff it's on. Oh well.

Went to someone's birthday party last night [instead of revising]. It was an ace decision. Although I did make a complete and utter fool out of myself [hence the lyric of the post]. Well, I mean, I was my usual self, but surrounded by people who don't really know me, and so just came across as a twat.

Some gems included asking a phd student who is researching solar cells whether she ever pretended to play god and be an eclipse, and then theorising a fight between said phd student and another party-goer, and then telling them the theory of how the fight would progress.

Essentially, I wished I had a rewind button. But I don't, so now lots of people that I think are cool, think I'm an immature nutjob. Joy.

At least it follows the normal distribution.

It was a good night. First time I've felt 'outgoing' in a while. I just really wish I could remember to keep my inside voice, inside my head. I think I never really grew out of being a 4 year old. If only there were lucrative careers to be made out of asking stupid questions.

I'm supposed to be thinking about jurisprudence, and something to do with theories of distribution, except I don't really understand them. I follow for about 5 minutes and then just get confused and wonder why it matters and why everyone makes such a fuss.

Right.

Laters.

Hush, Hush

Heartbeats, in sync with the clock, in time with my steps, buried in my chest.. disguised by a layer of flesh that's fading away from the constant gaze of your intruding ways.. I'll try to hide..

I'm really diggin' this album.

Anyway. Been a while, dudes.

Right now I should be revising charitable trusts. But I am lacking focus, having spent the morning trying to get my head around characterisation as a process in the conflicts of laws. I don't think my head made it. So it's time for a tea break and some cheerios.

Do they have cheerios in america? Is that why the cheerleaders in glee are called cheerios? I hope so. I enjoy cereal puns.

Anyway. FWL had to stop by due to some volcano or other misc. natural 'disaster'. It was fintastik lyk. And now I want to figure out some way of recording over two countries. Because that's way more beneficial than actually revising.

My guitar is now fixed up. We performed surgery. Took the drill to it. It is now fully functioning and retro-ironic. Now I just need to keep it in tune. Which would be easy, if I had ears that could tell tune. Which I don't.

Hmm. I think I'm on my fifth cup of tea. I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Oh well.

I've been in an odd sort of mood recently. It combines elements of sheer panic about upcoming exams etc, lethargy about doing anything, and general lack of focus due to another thing taking up my mindspace. I don't really know if I should talk about that thing here, mostly because I am aware how well I imitate a broken record, but then, at the same time, trying to write some coherent thing down might help? I don't know.

Basically, history repeating hurts. I didn't think it would hurt this much, and perhaps I'm jumping the gun, but it's in my nature to assume the worst regardless. There's just something about being lied to by this particular person that hits me like a wrecking ball. If I had to choose one person in the whole world who would know not to lie, it would have been FM. It is very clear that I can't handle lying. So to then hear things which mean that FM lied, and continues to.. it just.. destroys me. I don't care about what the lying is covering, really, I don't. I'm happy for FM, and I know that 2.0 is better than me in every measurable quality. I just feel physically sick, and stupid for being fooled, once again. Most of my time here has now been invalidated; it wasn't what I thought it was. I hate myself for falling for it. I don't really know what to say to FM either. There's nothing I can say. I have no point to make, no leg to stand on. I just have to continue feeling like nothing, and uncontrollably being a jerk at every opportunity. Sigh.

Anyway, it's been hours, and I'm hungry.

This Town

Back, for one last turn of the wheel.

I went home briefly. It was nice. I would quite like to have more time to spend in a little bubble far removed from this one.

^Like that.

I had an interview in LDN. It went very badly. I am getting £zero. Which I suppose will make my decision somewhat easier.

However, I do not like being made to feel embarrassed about my background/lack of funds.

There are a lot of things I don't like. I'm likely to list them, seeing as I'm tired and so feel grouchy. Bleh.

- Interviews

- Interviewers thinking I am being dishonest/ trying to defraud them.

- Application forms

- Being bitter

Here are some things that I DO like:

- Johnny Morris' bedtime stories

- Sangria

- Friends

- Finding new songs. In irish!

I Can Talk

Bleeeeegh.

My productivity has gone to zilch. It was all going so well.. and then I felt ill and fell victim to sleep. Bummer.

Anyways.

I can't believe a year has almost gone. And I'm almost 'Grown Up'. Scary biscuits.

Everything is different to how I had assumed it would be. But then I think that's because when you think about the future, you tend to just extrapolate the current situation, and assume things will keep going.

Next year. Most people are talking about 'next year' in terms of what furnishings they're going to put in the flat they've already bought. And for a while, I knew where I would be at least, which was something. But then I actually managed to succeed in getting into the legal institute back home. Which throws a spanner in the works.

I never thought I would get in. I can't remember if I ranted about the entrance test, but in short, it was a pissy multiple choice test that took an entire day and was horrific. As in, I did one section, and then decided 'fuck it, I'm just going to be a man in a pub because this is impossible'. The second factor which made my not getting in theory concrete is the sheer competition. To get on to the barristers' course you have to come top 30. I heard via the grapevine that 800 people took the test.

So having taken the test, I pretty much forgot about it and ruled out Belfast as a next year option.

But then I got in.

And I should be really happy and pleased. And in a way, I am.. At least, I would be if I allowed myself to stop and think about it and celebrate. But no, I immediately jump to the 'I have no idea what I'm doing next year' position. Which suxxxxx.

So now, I've spent £865 on alternatives I might never take. Hmm.

Belfast or London.. much more of a dilemma than I thought it would be. Oddly, I feel quite sad when people are happy for me, because they don't seem sad that I won't be with them next year. God. How selfish can I be?! Bleh.

I'd like everything to be like I thought it would be. Then everything would be nice :)

Secret Meeting

Didn't anybody tell you how to gracefully disappear in a room?

I wish they had.

I have so many nice things to update about. FWL returned, with europeans, and it was amazing. [TBC]

---

But typically, I am just being a craphat and concentrating on the things that upset me.

Right. I would very much like to know why people feel disposed to lie to me.

As in, ok, the first time was just like, well, it has to happen really, there was no precedent. Then secondly, I suppose I didn't talk about the first time enough, so yeah.. maybe that's just about passable. But the third? I mean, srsly?

I just.. don't get it. As in, when I let someone get that horrifically close to me, to the point where they know all my hangups because I finally feel comfortable enough to talk about them [probably too much.. ok, my bad] and they promise that history won't be repeated.. to then repeat it to the dotted i and crossed t, is just.. a slap in the face with a bulldozer.

I would honestly much rather that you stamp all over my ribs and stab me with my own broken bones than lie to me. Please. Actually, please.

Yeah, I know. Get over it. I should have been months ago. And I was. But it's just like lying is that stupidly unexpectedly crucial jenga block.

Urgh.

And the thing is, because I just feel like nothing when I remember/realise the lies, it's extremely hard to be normal and nice, which I do want to be, because 95% of me is happy, fine with it [pleased almost] and desperately doesn't want to go backwards/lose 33% of my 'friends' by being a dickface. Which is always what I do. Because all I can focus on is the fact that I've been lied to. Again.

It's like I'm a spazzy emo dictatorship.

Meh.

And I can't talk about it. Because there's no one here. And even if there were.. I just sound like a crazy bint.

I want FWL back. She always put up with my shit.

I should go to sleep.

I'm gonna update this soon. Just. When I feel less guilty about doing so...

Return to Bubble

I am back from my 5 day break.

And I don't know if it's the new frabbit, or what, but I feel odd.

I loved the trip. It was amazing, and I have so many little tales to tell, about crazy B&Bs with teapot obsessions and japenese koi carp. I also adored the polo. I mean, I was shit, but it was still awesome fun. I think I could quite happily run away to Argentina and play polo..

And now I'm back.

In some ways, I think it was really good to have a break, but in others it was probably really bad. For instance, I have a supervision in 3 hours, which I haven't even thought about, never mind locating the reading. And I'm not really panicked about it. So, yes, I'm chilled and relaxed, but I really shouldn't be. I should be all kinds of stressed about getting all my work done.

I should care. But I just don't. And as soon as I got back inside this bubble it's like I put on a big depressive coat. I'm watching the snow fall outside, and instead of being fascinated by how it falls, I just want to go curl up on my bed. I suspect I have issues. Shocker.

I want to go back to playing polo. That was fun.

I was a skank last night and didn't get changed from my 'whites' [after 0.05 seconds around horses they are anything but white] before going to an exec meeting and film night. I don't think anyone quite understood.

Hrm. I think what I was going to go on to should be saved for another post, given the impending supervised doom.

Box n' Locks

Mm. Supervisions all done. Contentment.

I should get a move one with next week's though. That way, the fact that I'm MIA for 5 days won't matter so much..

Nahhhh. Got a video to edit, and the possibility to paint..

-----

Anyway. I realised I am a Very Sad Individual today.

I was extremely proud of myself for doing OK in an essay. OK. Not well. Just okay.

And then, I was excited by buying Creme de Cassis de Dijon.

Not for the fact of kir royale potential, although that is majorly positive, but because Creme de Cassis de Dijon is MAJOR IN EU LAW. And now I OWN some. Plus, it has a really pretty label.

Oh. I wish I had time. I'd be such a better person if I had time. I could be interesting, because I could do interesting things with my time. I don't draw anymore, or paint. Or write. Or read. Or do anything really. I just exist, and procrastinate ineffectively from crisis to crisis.

It's like in this place of supreme individuals, with their endless talents I can't do anything. Which is such a shit attempt at an excuse. Doesn't hold up under scrutiny at all. Bleh.

Right. I am going to Do Something.

And not be frustrated by things not working. Or by dubious excuses.

---

"Hello this is your body"

-"What do you want my body?"

"I wanna feel somebody... "

Infra-blue

Life is too busy.

I need to stop taking chill time. Although it seems like chill time is enforced, seeing as even when I go to sainsbos, I have to hang around for half an hour in the queue. Srsly, major offending of my efficiency rules. It was a mess.

I'm reading a book on morality and lawz at the minute. It's actually interesting. I don't quite know what to do. Apart from read it and enjoy it. I hope the supervision on it is as interesting. It probably won't be.

I'm playing my first polo match tomorrow. It's going to be horrific. Oh well.

I'm also away for 4 days next week. Not good in terms of work. Shrug, I guess. Had to conveniently avoid mentioning that one in my dos meeting today. Funtimes.

Urgles.

Spent too long considering making coffee.

Better go make coffee.

Remember the days when I talked about stuff on this? Instead of making to do lists?

Yeah, me neither.

Oh bugger.

Why can I never get up the courage to just tap on the shoulder and say PLEASE DON'T GET OFF WITH SOME RANDOM IN FRONT OF ME.

Meh. I know it is none of my business. And perfectly within everyone's rights. But still.

I hate that it makes me sad.

And that it's so obvious, and that essentially everyone has realised that I have no friends.

I want to go home.

Face Up

Oh waiting for my clothes to dry...

There are so many other things that I could be doing right now. Productive things. But no.

I got some cereal yesterday, and it struck me, in sainsbos, that you never get toys in cereal anymore. I'm fairly sure this did used to happen, and it isn't just another figment of my imagination. This reinforces the 'things were better in my day' stint I've been having in the past couple of days. Entirely the fault of conversations about children's tv.

Right. Clothes should be done.

I say this, they probably aren't. The washing/drying machines each have their own version of timekeeping. The washing machine says 37 mins, I set my alarm for 38. I go back when the alarm goes off, machine says 7 minutes left! Crazy stuff.

Now, I just need to decide whether to go buy some wine that I like, or just get stuff from formal. Hrm.

Five A Day

These short days I rise when the sun is setting.. Which is fine by me..

Rar.

I should be being so much more productive. Oh well. At least I've just eaten a lot of blueberries. Vitamins FTW.

Yesterday was a Busy Saturday. I subbed into w1 and raced for 4k, only to have to cycle straight to a football match. 1-1. Meh.

After that, I had to get my schmooze on and go to a temple dinner. It was nice. Useless in terms of networking [had no professional near me], but I met some really interesting people, and one girl who was particularly amazing and grounded in reality. I also met some people who were fascinating in a very confusing way. The port was awesome.

I think I should have a lot more to update on. But I don't really. Apart from drinking far too much, far too often. Which will continue tonight, probably.

I don't want to do any work. I just want to sit here surfin' and listening to music. Sigh.

I had fun being very old the other night. This is mostly because I am now a total radio 4 fangirl. If radio 4 has fangirls. I was at a crew chew, and kept talking about radio 4 things. It was terrible.. I am not a good source of banter.. But hey, I love the shipping forecast. And feel that if I leave the radio on all night, I will somehow become smarter by osmosis. I deffos know more about what's going on outside the bubble. I have become amazing at irrelevant interjections.

I have to magically make a painting sometime soon. Don't know when I'll have the time, as I'm currently frittering all of it away.. doing nothing! Bargh!

I am not as lonely as you think I am, Captain Morgan in one hand...

Conclusion

I think I should drink less..

This has been my conclusion from the past three nights.

However, P'house's bar has GINGER BEER.

So pleased.

---

Blunt.

"I don't mean to be harsh, but you don't have any friends"

....

Ok. So.

It turns out I am a mess. A literal mess.

Stupidly, I thought I was ok.. But no. Of course I'm not.

I hate myself. I hate myself for being so fucking stupid. And selfish. And just a loser in general.

I mean, my god woman, GET OVER IT.

It's like there's rational me, and irrational me, constantly fighting for attention. And it makes me a twat. Rational me knew that this would happen. But for some stupid reason, I thought it would take longer. But no, c'mon, wise up. Of course it's going to happen straight away.

And why shouldn't it? Rational me says I should be happy. Y'know. For FM. Irrational me says I shouldn't have to have it shoved in my face, and that FM should be nice to me. Why does irrational me have to be quite so irrational?

Rational me agrees with friend, who says, well, why shouldn't FM do that? it's kind of within FM's rights.. Friend continues that maybe I should also go and pull. Friend doesn't seem to realise that I am NOT attractive, and won't ever get looked at twice. Ever.

And additionally, just for once. For ONCE, I would just like to be the one who recovers first.

You know. So when someone says.. I'm sorry I'm just a bit fucked up atm.. they stay fucked up, for a longer amount of time than I do. But of course that will never happen. Because I AM A RETARD.

I just wish I was emotionally mature enough to deal with this.

I repeat. I WANT TO GO HOME.

Rinse. Repeat..?

Please don't put your face into your hands, we could be friends..

I'm back in ze bridge. It is currently -3.2 degrees. This probably isn't very cold. But it really feels it when your room has not just single glazing, but BADLY FITTING WINDOWS.

I just want to go home. Which is quite novel. Normally I'm vaguely happy and content with coming back. But this time.. not so much. I just didn't want to. I was lying in my bed last night, feeling comfortable and warm, and I just did not want to get up and come here. I liked being at home and not doing anything. I have no desire to be back here, I don't.. even know what I'm getting at.

I think I've just had enough. That theory makes the most sense.

My hands are getting colder as I type.

Don't judge a book by the size of its wrist..

Whee. New archive line!

Well.

I guess it's time to call it a night. And a year.

When the cowboy film is on with a sign interpreter.. it's time to sleep.

I oddly felt the desire to purge myself of all thoughts tonight... by somehow telling everyone my honest thoughts about things.. like, if I said it in 2009, it would be forgotten by 2010, or at least not on the slate. Of course, I didn't pluck up the courage. But oh well. Probably for the best.

I hope anyone bothering to read this has a truly magnificent year!

Two Thousand And Nine

I don't want it to go/be over.

New year means resolution, and fresh starts.. and ugh.

I'll have a ponder about what I'm going to not stick to this year.

3m

Aw,

I'm watching Three Men in Ireland. It's wicked.

'Would you like a cat?'

Apart from that, I'm being smoked out due to the prevailing NE wind.

It is feckin freezin these days. And so the fire is a must. But the wind keeps blowin' it the wrong way so it does.

Can't think of anything else to say.

Yuletide.

Hums.

Over for another year.

I always hope that Christmas will somehow be better than the last year. It never really is.

My home friends had organised a secret santa, and of course left me out of it. Which is fine, I suppose, but it would have been nicer for me had they not exchanged presents whilst I was standing there. Awkward. And then they all asked me to provide lifts home.

So that was nice.

We had goose this year. It was nice.

Presents were.. well, they're not really the point of the whole holiday, but I feel like I put more into it than others. I tried to be thoughtful.

Blah. I'm just in a humbug mood.

I am also doing nothing for new year. Which disappoints me. Because I explicitly stated ages ago that I wanted to do something with uni friends. But nothing was ever decided [yeah..ok..mostly my fault..] but.. arg. Right basically, I'm pissed off at FM, who initially said 'defs' to doing something, but then point blank refused to commit to anything, so I never booked flights over to the mainland. And yet now, FM just casually mentions that I could come over for new year. However, FM still has no concrete plans, but will probably go to a friend's party. I'm just a bit like WTF? Thinking I shouldn't spend £100+ on flights to go hang around with someone who wants to go to someone who I don't know's party, and I express this. 'But that's the point' says FM. W.T.F.

Arg.

I just cannot be fucked with "friends".

Happy freaking holidays.

Holmes

Hoooooome.

Where the woofer-barks roam.

And I sit on my arse all day watching cookery programmes.

Faaaaaat.

Quite want to go see Sherlock.

I need to do some work. Hums. Exam in less than a week. Blergh.

Got the christmas tree today. Made gingerbread and mincemeat yesterday. Still don't feel christmassy. Damnit.

At least I'm doing my usual music catch up.

Still depressed.

I should just start my own version of the shipping forecast.

Mini-P

So.

I've just finished day 4 of a mini-pupillage.

It's been good. I am sad that I won't get to see the end of the trial I've been following.. It feels a bit like leaving a movie half way through. I really do think people should go to the courts more, as a form of entertainment.. it's free!

The pupil that's with the counsel I'm following went to the same college as me, which is very cool and coincidental.

I am hopefully going to be able to see a really interesting family case tomorrow. Schawing. But I'm not sure if I'll be allowed... *fingers crossed*

Anyway. Apart from that, I'm surviving LDN, and warming to it slightly. Still no idea what I'm going to do with my life, and still disastrously depressed about things. Sigh.

Bah. I hate christmas.

Blue House Baby

Oh dear.

I have done no work all weekend. I have done nothing all week.

And I really do not feel in the mood to attempt the essay that is due in tomorrow.

I want to go to bed.

I don't ever really remember feeling this despondent before. Eurgh.

I wish this term hadn't happened.

NY1

I have woken up annoyed.

This does not bode well.

Urg.

Right. Facebook event creating time!

Damn

My plan for activity today was foiled by only getting up at 12.

Again.

2nd day in a row.

It keeps happening for no reason.. I shouldn't be tired!

Chilled

All the gold, and the guns, and the girls..

I have an acoustic version. It's nice.

One of our fellows died. He was a complete and utter legend. I was surprised by how sad I felt. It's quite strange. Anyway.

I have been trying to redo my cv today. It hasn't really worked. I don't think. I've basically put everything into slightly different lists, and cut out all the crap. At least it looks slim.

I just.. urgh. Want to be employed by somebody.

Right. Careers thing. Then club night. Will be good times. Tiring times. But still.

I'm still feeling sub-par. But then I do tend to drag these things out. I just.. want to sleep all the time. And do no work, because I can't concentrate. And I end up tired no matter how much I sleep [even though I haven't had much recently], and then I get all tetchy. Tetch, tetch.

Hmm. Must improve cv.

Can't remember what I was going to ramble about..

Headlock

I am still absolutely miserable.

I mean, well, like, not on the surface I suppose.

But inside.. I just.. it's not nice.

I just feel.. missing.. somehow.

I can't concentrate. I can't get out of bed. I can't really do anything.

And once again, I desperately don't want this term to end, because then it's all definitely gone for good. Sigh.

Another depressing thing is that I have noticed how few friends I have this year. Plenty of acquaintances, as always. But only 2 friends really. Like, people that I'd call if I felt like watching something stupid on tv. That's down like 66.7% Humphs.

Some non depressing things:

I watched dr. who.

Tegan and Sara were freaking awesome. Like uh-mazing.

I have double duveted my bed. Mm, warmth.

I watched monsters vs aliens, and it was hilarious. And had hugh laurie. Added bonus.

Mentioning hugh laurie has made me remember that there are probably a gazillion house episodes that I have to watch.

I am going to formal on Weds at a college I have never even been to before.

I haven't died yet.

I haven't been kicked out yet.

Rights, I should attempt to tidy my room or summat. Or watch more tv...

Hmm..

TandS

Were amazing.

End of.

5th Week Blacks N Blues

I think this is the worst 5th week I've ever had.

Today's mundane activities -

Football: I lost my clean sheet. 4-1. I hurt lots of my 'muscles' by throwing myself at the ground. I got kicked in the face.

Sadly, no black eye.

Polo: Was so tired from football/the cycle there that I just couldn't do anything. I nearly fell off. But my xc 'muscles' kicked in and I managed to stay on. So I guess that is actually a positive.

I am so tired that I could cry. Not that I need any more reasons to. I've got the crying thing down pretty well.

I am spending too long in bed.

I can't concentrate on anything.

Litch.

My little polo concentration bubble was burst. =(

Sigh.

Have so much stupid complicated reading to do for tomorrow.

Why can't this university invent time outs? Like, you get 3 a year.. for when things just get ridiculous. You could have a nice week off.

I am considering making a break for belfast. Or something. I don't really know. I just know I don't really want to be here. No one is left.

Bah.

3 wishes

I wish this hadn't happened.

I wish I could fix it.

I wish it didn't hurt.

I am not looking forward to the mess I am going to be.

At least I have a very nice husband, and a video project to focus on.

Focus.

Keep calm and carry on.

Oh god.

Scholar

Is one thing I am not.

Urgh.

I have filled in a scholarship form. I am not going to get anywhere with it.. oh well.

I'm used to it all by now!

I feel so incredibly tired, for no fucking reason. So annoying.

Have to write an essay for tomorrow. And I just don't want to. I can tell my supervision reports for this term are going to be shite.

So tired.

Sigh.

Oh if I was a labrador, I wouldn't be sad anymore, I'd just run about and piss on everything...

Yawn2

I have far too much to do, and I just want to go back to bed..

Fire Hazard

I am using my gas fire to dry some of my clothes, which are hanging on a piece of string above it. The string is attached to a curtain rail and a picture hook.

Thankfully my old fire warden armband is out of sight.

Yaawn.

I should really do some work..

But I'm really just counting down the hours til formal. And then going out.

Shall I make HC a cd? One hasn't been asked for.. but I'm that bored. And I really don't want to start the EU slog again. Could do Equity I suppose.

Updates:

- Taken on another role that I probably shouldn't have.

- Handed in quite possibly the worst essay ever.

- Had a major migraine

And That's It really.

Hour Plus

I'm so glad someone mentioned the time thing in an email, or else I would have been an hour ahead of myself tomorrow.

Sigh. Had a waste of a day work-wise. Excellent one sport wise. 7 solid hours of exercising fun.

I was crap at all activities concerned. Oh well.

I still have shitloads of reading to do for my supervision tomorrow. And once it's done, I have another shitload + essay for monday. Skipping lectures much?

I'm still not sure what's going on. I wish I did, because uncertainty makes me go crazy. And it distracts me so badly. And I really wish I knew what caused this whole thing. And.. erk. I'm not gonna think about it. I don't want to hurt, or anything.

Happy things! Um, let's see.. I watched some really cute videos of ducks on the bbc news site. I was surprised by the number of duck stories. But quite nicely surprised. Nothing beats a cute animal.

CSM: I can't believe how much media attention this got.. when there are so many children dying everywhere..

Me: Yeah, but dying children aren't as cute as ducks..

Hums. What else is positive that I can report..

My flowers are beginning to open..

T&S' new album is amazing, and I can finally get the cd on Tuesday.

I finally trust my gas fire enough to turn it on and allow some warmth into my room..

And my extra monitor is pretty damn sweet.

Fuck.

Better do some reading.

~over and out

.

Sigh.

I just don't understand where this has come from.

But then, I never have.

It's nothing new, really.

I just want to curl up and listen to T&S and not have to deal with the world.

And yes, I do realise how melodramatic that sounds.

Rain

Well. I walked home from a club, alone, for the first time in a while.

It was raining.

If I had broken down, it would have been quite poetic.

It was quite poetic anyway.

I did contemplate jumping into the river.. just because it looked so dark.. and would probably be a good release.. but then I thought about my phone. And how it would never survive. So I stopped myself.

I am not drunk. I wish I was.

The irony of having many people ask 'so how long's it been?' was not lost on me.

I just...

I dunno. Maybe I'm being paranoid. And insecure. But it feels exactly like it has before, and there's been no improvement. No sign of change. And it isn't healthy for me to be thinking these terrible things all day every day.

I just want to sleep.

So that's what I'll do.

Yaen

Well I met you at the blood bank...

I am so sleepy. But not for any good reason. I'm just sleepy because I didn't get up til 12. Which is ridiculous.

I have a supervision tomorrow, and I just DON'T want to do the work. I am just not into eu. [like that film.. geddit?] Uurgh. Like, I went to the pub from 2-5 despite knowing that I have shitloads to do. I didn't even know anyone at the pub.. Urgh.

Perhaps I want to sleep because sleep is nice and safe.. and not stressful.. until I wake up and realise the time... lawl.

Or, perhaps it's because I am giving myself carbon monoxide poisoning with my gas fire. But I do now have a co2 alarm, so hopefully that theory is void. Oh centrally heated cottage, how I miss thee.

Bleh. I really don't see the point of this blog.

Postcard

I have received three postcards recently and am listening to the song. So there's the title reasoning.

--

I am procrastinating from doing stinky EU law. It's like a more vast, more annoying version of consti. Not happy.

But I am listening to nice music.

My leg still aches. And I still have the annoying cough that flares up in every lecture/supervision.

-_-

But, positives!

Free meal + drinks tonight. [Note to self: do not get drunk in front of freshers/ supervisors.]

And, um.. it's friday? that could be a positive.

I've finally ordered another monitor. Whether I get it or not will be up to visa, who have to verify my shipping address... maybe not such a positive.

--

Urgh. Feel ill. Just have to get through this EU stuff. Blegh. Then I can do some nice medical law.

I got rejected from yet another job application thing yesterday, hence the depression. I think I'm just below employable intelligence.

And things still aren't right with FM.

And I don't know if I have any positives to match up with all these negative things.

Music will just have to do.

There's a squirrel on the roof opposite my window... it's perched like a gargoyle on the very top of the roof.. and its tail is going crazy.. looked like it was signalling something in morse code.. I'm not really sure what it's doing.

ZOMG THERE ARE NEW JAWSH SONGS.

Logic.

I'm tempted to go and get drunk now...

I know I hate being drunk, but I hate feeling useless even more, and being drunk means that I'm not useless because I'm useless, just useless because I'm drunk....

Irish logic is wonderful.

Fack

This is my law fac day. 11-6. Nice.

Except that I went and had lunch in town which meant that I skipped the first half of my two-hour juris lecture. Which is full of Very Clever People.

I am now hangin' out waiting for my media law lecture.

I'm such a cool kid.

Anyway. I have plenty to talk about.

-Being ill AGAIN

- Being drunk

- Taking up new sports

- Newbies

- The usual melodramatic depressive episodes.

^ that is just in case I forget to come back and cover those topics. Right, paragraph each. Go!

-----

I am ill again. I've gone all chesty cough.

Everyone seems to be ill though. And everyone seems to have become ill at the same time. It was probably the synchronisation of sobriety.

I had some night nurse, and it was truly wonderful. I love the warm fuzzy feeling it creates. It's like a less trippy version of what happens when I faint.

Sigh. I hate being drunk. Because I have started to do this thing where I drink far too much, and don't stop. And then I have no memory of what I've done, who I've spoken to.. etc etc. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I then have really vivid dreams, which means that I can't tell what was real or not. It is worrying when most of my memories are false. And then I have the horrific problem of seeing the people who I last saw when I was wasted. This is perhaps the worst bit. I always feel so incredibly embarrassed. And knowing me, I will have molested them. And of course, I won't be particularly good friends with these people in the first place. All of this ends up with me hating myself and feeling very down and depressed about it. And, like, I really don't have a clue what to say to these people when I next see them [that is, of course, if I remember seeing them- recently, I bumped into someone who enquired about my hiccups (another issue I have with drunkeness) and I had absolutely no memory of seeing them, let alone having a 10 minute conversation with them]. I just.. eeergh. I just don't want to be drunk.

I have taken up two new sports. I say two, I've really only taken up one, but am doing the other to help out friends. I'm not going to say what they are, because they are terribly stereotypical. But still. PAIN. My right leg is well and truly fucked. But anyway. Enjoyable all the same.

I met lots of new people last night. Everyone was very nice. And it was interesting. I dunno. Like, some people seemed to want some kind of wisdom from me.. and I don't think I have any.. but I'm looking forward to having new kids on the block.

Aaaaand. I'm not going to talk about why I was depressed. Because I hate that I was, and so I am forgetting about it. Also, it is nearly lecture time.

Laters. Overs and Outers.

Lemsap

So doing the reading was of no real help.

Shocker.

I knew there was a reason that I've never bothered before.

I have a ridiculous amount to do for tomorrow. Bleh.

And now I have an aching throat, and annoying sinuses.

I'm attempting to blast it with lemsip and, well, any medicinal drugs I own. Hope it works.

CAN NOT GET SWINE. [again].

We went for dim sum today. CG ordered things just because they were gross, so I got to sit with a massive pile of duck tongues in front of me.. appealing.

And FM got a 5-layered cake from CCB. It was amazing. I'm still not hungry after having a slice at like 1pm.

Ergh.. right.. to work.

Milestone

I have, for the first time in my university life, finished the reading for a supervision.

It may have only been 78 pages. But still. They were 78 dense pages.

I'm not sure what to do.

Apart from get a move on with the reading that is nowhere near done [or even started] for the supervision tomorrow.

-__-

I can honestly say, I have never felt so inadequate [in a social-class way] as I just did.

Um.

I don't really know what to say.

There are many things I could say, and I could attempt to explain why I'm feeling so down. Or at least, why I think I'm so down. But I don't really want to. It's so melodramatic and whiny.

So I'm having a Jawsh fest instead.

" She was like RAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAIN "

Oh Well

I am really not very happy.

Ladybirds

I seem to have a family of them living in my window frame.

They also seem to be the harlequin ones. I might stress them so their knees bleed. But that might be mean.

Urgh. First day of lectures today. I'm not sure I'm ready for learning, and I'm getting more convinced that I have some sort of death wish for myself. If someone who gets straight firsts thinks I'm taking the hardest combination... I probably am..

Sigh.

I feel like I am a bit of a mess. And.. yeah. Hrm.

Bah. I have work I should be doing. For my supervision on SUNDAY. God. Damnit.

Blueberries

Nom nom nom.

I don't like being drunk, I have decided.

I have a feeling I freaked out some nice medic freshers.

So I don't think I'll be drinking for a bit. [I say this.. but it's family meal tonight.. so maybe after that... or Tuesday. Hm. When term starts I'll stop.] Nothing good ever comes of me being drunk.. I just embarrass myself hideously in front of people, who are ALWAYS less drunk than I am. And then I won't be able to remember it. Or I'll wake up and not be sure if I did something terrible or if I just dreamed that I did.

So yes. Let's see how not drinking in term-time goes.

In other news. I still haven't 100% decided on my subjects. Basically, I had psyched myself up to do crazy-difficult-subject, thinking that, 'oh well at least I know the person supervising me, so it'll be ok..' but it looks like I'm being supervised by someone else who is like, a full on prof. And seems more intimidating... And I feel very small and dumb. But then, I've wanted to do CDS for a while.. and it's only the fact that everyone else is telling me I'll have no chance which is making me reconsider..

ARGH.

Also, I am basically doing nothing with my days.. and this worries me.

The Beginning of the End..

Sadtimes.

Got up at 5.30 yesterday. Dealt with animals. Strapped oars onto the roof of the defender. Drove to the courier place.. It is tremendous fun to overtake BMWs at 6.30 in the morning in a land rover with two oars on the roof. Then got up to the airport, and over here.

My room is good. Which is lucky as I hadn't seen it before I picked it. Hrz's room is also very nice. Probably slightly better than mine in most peoples terms, but I think I prefer mine..

I have a nice comfy sofa. But that's not the best part.

Oh no.

The desk is the best part.

IT'S AMAZING.

It's like the transformer of the furniture world.

It HAS A WINE RACK. That's how awesome it is.

I am surprisingly tired. And I feel quite weird. I don't much like it..

Like, sad or something. But I think it's mostly tiredness. Might go have a nap. But that means walking to another room.. a whole 5m.. cheesh. Hard life.

Freshones arrive tomorrow. Funtimes.

Verbal Reasoning

The bastard fucking fuckers.

I hate those tests. They are fucking stupid and I wish they told you how well you had done. BAAARGH. Fuckers.

Testing

I hate tests. I do appallingly in them.

But what I hate most is when the tests are stupid and wrong, and I know that I'm right.

Which I am.

Humph.

In other news. Still far too much to do.

Haven't packed trunk. But it needs to leave soon. Haven't packed oars. Haven't found out if the company can take them.

Arg. Arg. Arg.

Headacheeee. And I feel bad about barging into a family. Sigh.

Company

No longer alone! Yay!

Also, LESS than a week til final year fun... I hope it's fun.. and that it lasts.

I have so much crap to sort out. Packing is going to be 'nightmarish times'.

But on the plus side, I have gatecrashed my way to another college family ^_^

Yay for kids!

Kids.. oh dear. That reminds me of the fact that I have to raise £1000 from one event. Oh fuck. Shit bugger wank bollocks. So screwed.

Hums. I don't really have much else to say. Except that I wish that I wasn't the only lawyer without a job. Which I currently am.

Right. TV time.

428

Observation for this week:

Dogs seem to sleep a lot.

My dogs seem to prefer sleeping with their bellies in the air. Occasionally they snore, or make little woof noises accompanied by sporadic paw movements. Yesterday, Diego slept with his eyes open. That was FREAKY. As I type, both hounds are asleep on the sofa. They look quite cute.

Anyways. Yesterday I adventured up to Belfast in the land rover to collect an oar. I managed to get two. This adventure was marred by my own jumpiness at the sat nav directions.. Normally I disobey them willingly [as any of you who have been present in a car with me will know] but this time I was too keen. Kept turning off too early. Anyway. I survived on my first major drive in the land rover. It was fun. Completely different driving experience though. Good way to build up left leg and arm muscles.

ZOMG! I go back in a week! I hadn't noticed... bugger. I have too much to sort before then. Fuckity fuck fuck.

Buuuut. Means I will get to see FM ^_^ I am feeling quite scared about how much stuff I have to do already, like extra-curric wise. *furrow* It'll be fine. It'll all be fine.

I spent far too long today reading threads on the internet.. They were mostly 'Does X like me?' threads, and they were mostly awesome. For some reason, I adore those types of stories.

Hums. Tonight is my last night by myself. I happy about this. I really don't like being the only person for a while. Because naturally I have to think about every horrific possibility whilst trying to drift off to sleep. Sigh.

Aw, grey is sticking her tongue out while she sleeps.

I can't believe my last year is a week away. I am not ready to be abandoned. Blaaaaah.

~over and out

427

Right.

I have been meaning to write a new post for ages. I keep thinking of things I want to ramble about, then forget them.

So I'm not sure how long this will be.

I'm home alone at the moment.

I hate it. The house sounds like a murderer. I know I've said this before but it's true! Also, I am terrible at fending for myself. It's fine if I'm fending for somebody else, just not myself.

Take now for instance. I'm really thirsty, but there's nothing apart from tap water and alcohol in the house. So, naturally, I'm drinking beer. Which I don't like. But I like slightly more than luke warm tap water. I am my own little universe, with my own form of logic.

Waking the dead is on. But I am too scared to watch it by myself. Yes. I am that sad. But there's organ harvesting and shit. I don't like that idea. So Newsnight it is.

I am pretending to be proactive, and have organised all my documents into their proper folders on my laptop. I've also been forward-thinking and created folders for next year's subjects. If only I would read something useful for next year..

I have also been registering for some jobs. But I can't decide if I want to apply for some things.

I think, what I have to do, is ask myself what I want to do, and what will make me happy. And when I tell myself that I don't know, I'll just have to interrogate myself. Good Cop, Bad Cop. I will be amazed if I don't develop multiple personality disorder by the end of the year. Because I have a suspicion that I'm just scared shitless of not being 'successful'. And everybody else leaving me for bigger and better things.. Damn abandonment issues. Ho hums. Also, I wish it was possible to just be given a job. Without any of this assessment and interview stuff. I don't assess or interview well. Like, c'mon! just give me money to exist! I'm sure I enrich someone's life... somehow... maybe... a little...?

It's windy outside.. and daaark. I should probably put the hounds to bed and follow suit.

I will try to remember what it is I want to write, and then write it.

~over and out

Unemployed.

I have finished my job for the summer.

I felt surprisingly sad about this. My workmates were really, *really* nice, and got me a cake and a card AND gift vouchers... I didn't really know what to say/do apart form go all quiet and embarrassed.. I will defs miss the people, not really the early mornings, or the photocopying.. but stills.

I am glad that I worked this summer, it makes me feel less useless. And the money is a nice bonus. I'll probably spend it all very quickly on crap though. Even though I should save it to put towards the BVC/LPC/whatever else I need to do with my life.

Sibling is horrified at the thought that I might come back to Belfast. But it's feeling like my only option. Ho hum.

So, one of the cats sliced my hand today. It hurts. I mean, it's not like it needs stitches, but it aches. I've managed to hurt myself quite a lot recently. I nearly bit my tongue off. Now that hurt. Tears in eyes and major anger at that one. Guess I'm lucky that the tongue is one of the fastest healing things.

I mentioned girls on trains. Really, I am referring to one girl. Who I only saw three times. But she fascinated me. And then I thought, that I've been fascinated by people far too often in my life. [When I say far too often, it's been like 3 people so far]. And I'm not sure if it's a normal thing. I reckon it definitely isn't. Which worries me. Before I remember that actually, it should be of more concern to everyone else. Grin.

I just, like, get really intrigued by people who I don't know. And as soon as I hear them speak it's all ruined.

Does anyone ever wonder if they're abnormally observant? And is it possible to do so without being arrogant? Whilst at work I kept pointing out things about people that no one else noticed, simple examples = Smarmy Lawyer's HIDEOUSLY CLASHING SHOES and NG's MASSIVE engagement ring. Like, I've already been called weirdly stalkerish by someone at uni, but really, I just pay attention. And remember irrelevant crap. =S

I am loving music. Heart Skipped A Beat is awesome.

Right.. Must go be productive. Voat here I come. Maybe.

I have things I want to post about, like girls on the train, and looking terrible, and people being away, and people being here, and all sorts.

But now it's past my collapse-time.. Bummer.

Goldilocks

Kate Humble is amazing.

I'm watching her latest programme. Women like her built the empire.

Friiiiday tomorrow. Yippee. Going out for lunch as well, cos it's someone's last day. [Not mine though =( Sooooon..]

I made myself PROTECT MEDICAL today. People shouldn't entrust me with stampers. Nuh-uh. Far too immature.

Sigh. Still so tired.

Right. I have nothing of great interest to say, so I won't.

~over and out

Twosday

Dude. It's Tuesday.

And I've told work when I'm stopping... hurrah! Only 8 working days left.

I will then get to sleep a lot and stuff.

Hopefully.

And it's like a month til third year [CRIPES!!]

Good Friends, Bad Habits

I've good friends with bad habits... and a tendency towards negligence...

I can't believe I give points for including legal concepts in songs. But I can believe I do for lines like this:

Where in the hell am I ? and how did I get here? with one shoe?

Anyways. I'm having my weekly music kick.

And I HAVE THE DAY OFF TOMORROW. This is big news. I can sleep til 9. And maybe paint something. I feel like painting something. And writing somethink. Dunno if I'll online it though..

Wheeeeeeee! bank holidaaaaay!

OTM1

I am surprisingly upset.

I just don't understand what more I can do.

And I hate that I feel this upset over something so trivial.

Beginning of the End..

So close to Friday... so close...

I have to go collect files tomorrow.. that will be fun. Photocopying them afterwards will not. Boo.

Okay, most recent story first...

I was walking into the train station this morning [how novel] when a lady stopped me and gave me a magazine, saying that it was about depression and how it was an important problem that needed more awareness.. At this point I was like.. uh-oh.. is this a sign?

Got on the train, gave the magazine a glance. Jehovah's flipping witnesses.

I do not appreciate their spiel being snuck up on me. Not one bit.

So yesterday, I kept being given 'urgent' things to do. Now, I don't know what the rest of the world's definition of 'urgent' is, but I tend to put things that are urgent at the top of my priorities. The look on the solicitor's faces when I gave them their urgent work within half an hour... honestly..

So then I was telling this to FH whilst photocopying, and she was making noises about how she was once told that she was too good at her job. Fastforward a few hours, I'm still being given 'urgent' work. A solicitor comes in and asks if anyone is available to do an 'urgent' brief. It is not a complicated brief, just has to be re-done, because the original has been lost. I am busy with my own 'urgent' work, so the others tell her to give it to FH. I go next door to continue my photocopying fun, and FH suspiciously asks me, 'is what you're doing urgent? because I've been given this urgent brief...*wheedle wheedle, you should do it*.

I mean, FUCK OFF.

I have done 6 briefs so far. How many have you done? 2. TWO. I told you earlier how I was being given all urgent stuff. STOP being so lazy and rude and just do the fucking brief. It isn't hard. And don't you dare think that I am going to do your work for you. There is no incentive based pay here. And I have already done three times as much work as you have. YOU were asked to do it, so DO it. You are NOT busy. I mean, christ woman, you are supposed to be the grown up. And you've been doing this for years, as you keep telling me. Get on with it!

Right. Sleep time. I'm real badass.

Midpoint.

I had a lot to talk about. I was going to talk about it.

But then I started trying to design a cover. Which took forever.

And the design is probably going to be scrapped. So that was a productive 3 hours.

Grr.

--

I've just had a stressy day. Loud music burst before bed methinks.

I will blog about:

Fluffed Hen [FH] @ work + inefficiency + lack of pay incentives = annoyance

Ideas

Sleep

Scumday

Can I just.

For some reason, I love this. I think it's when SA slides out on his chair.

But apparently, most of the crew have left. Sadtimes.

Anyways.

Today was [and still is] Monday.

There are only 3 of us in the office. There is normally 7. I did double the number of briefs that I normally do... and it's only monday. Uuuurgh.

I am just getting more and more tired.

And and.. I'm terrible at seeing my friends.. because I haven't for ages. And I have no time to before they all go back. Hums. I suck.

I still can't quite decide if I want to go back to uni. A lot of me thinks that it's not really worth it, and that I shouldn't bother.

Hums. guess I'll mull it further..

Right. To watch trashy tv and go to bed..

I love the new T/S/Tiesto.

That is all.

Hallie

Sigh.

I'm tired.

And sick of being told that I should appreciate the high calibre of applications this year and understand that my application won't be progressed further. Christ.

Yes, I'm still bitter.

I want to go and get a good night's sleep. But taking the flak is on tonight, and it's funny. I like funny things.

It's a-level results day tomorrow. Feels like ages since I got mine, but also like no time at all. I'm surprised by how excited I feel about results day.. I'm a freak.

Sigh. I want the week to be over.

Oo. I get to draft a letter to a landlord. And enquire about signage.. and all sorts of interesting things.. Yay for ECs. I hope this particular EC is going to be a lot of fun. Instead of a nightmare. *crosses fingers*. I am probably sacrificing my third year result for it, after all.

Hums.

Why can't I make a living out of just being myself?

Bah.

Pit Stop

Every so often, I feel like I have to stop and assess my life. It sounds very dramatic and organised, it's not. It just happens when I get frustrated and desolate.

I'm currently taking one of these pit stops.

I am going into the final year of my degree. I need to sort out a job. Everyone tells me that this will be as easy as pie for me. [Incidentally, I never understood that expression.]

Which, I suppose, it should be.

I do a 'profession' degree. It's supposedly well respected. I do this degree at the best university in the country for the subject. I have three As at A-level, plus one dirty B. In total, I have 510 UCAS points [I have no idea if that is good or bad]. I have 'extra-curricular' interests. I have had 'positions of responsibility' in sporting and non-sporting activities. I have come up with award-winning ideas. [Ok, that's a bit of a lie. It was the funds raised by the idea that won the award, not the idea itself]. However. I suck at my degree. I perform appallingly in exams, and don't try very hard during the year. This has lead to me not gaining a Good Two One. Which basically, has written off the rest of my life.

Now, I'm sure you will be rolling your eyes and calling me a melodramatic, self-pitying idiot.

Of course, I do realise that I will not suddenly expire. I know that a lack of a straight 2.i will not cause a dehabilitating illness to erupt in my veins. But it will bar me [no pun intended] from getting the jobs I had planned on aiming for. It stops me from getting ANY graduate job. Which means that these three years will be worthless, and completely pointless. I will have built up a nice little mountain of debt that I have no hope of paying off.

Aren't I incredibly stupid?

Why didn't I just do the stupid essay practice? Why didn't I force myself to become pavlov's dog, and churn out essays every time the clock struck 9.00?

I have no long-sightedness.

And now, well, I have no idea what I'm going to do. And it's all my own fault.

I hate that I depend on things being ridiculously easy for me. I hate that I can't cope with having to do things for myself that are a leeedle bit difficult. I am also gutted that I can't even attract a glimmer of interest from any employer.

And I hate that one of my biggest worries, in all of this, is being left behind.

I am fast learning that my only viable option is to come crawling back home with my tail between my legs [woah, mixed metaphors there]. Belfast. Not London, with everyone else. Not jetting back and forth between major international hubs. Not saving lives in the big cities whilst simultaneously saving enough money to buy a house in the country near a good school for the kids.

All of these friends that I've made, will disappear. Go and be successful somewhere. Keep in touch with each other. But I'll just.. drift. And be bitter about not doing more. Because that's what I do.

And I have no idea where I'm even going with this now.

Bummer.

Music meme

Name your top 10 most played bands on iTunes or Last.FM:

[I'm doing last.fm, because I can't figure out how to find my most played artists on iTunes]

1. Josh Burnside
2. Tegan and Sara
3. Death Cab
4. Frightened Rabbit
5. The Good Life
6. Cursive
7. The Cure
8. Metric
9. Bloc Party
10. Amy Wilson

What was the first song you ever heard by 6 [cursive]?
Hmm. Tough one to remember.. Either The Great Decay or Driftwood, I reckon.

What is your favorite album of 2 [T&S]?
Hmm. Question 2, and I have already realised I shouldn't have started this. I adore them all. And I cannot wait for Oct 27th. Right. Hm. The problem is, the albums are all different. My official answer has to be ALL OF THEM. Which is consistent with my advice to FWL.

What is your favorite lyric that 5 [Good Life] has sung?
Oh christ. Well, I'll just have to pick a random one. Seeing as The Good Life are one of my lyrical genius bands. Humph. I don't like this meme.

"I love your suffering like gravity loves a stumbling drunk"

How many times have you seen 4 [FR] live?
Sadly, I haven't. Because I am always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

What is your favorite song by 7 [The Cure]?
You suck, meme. Impossible question. Halo/Burn.

What is a good memory you have involving the music of 10 [Amy]?
God, what memory isn't good?

It's either the first time I heard her sing, because her voice was just SO impressive, and live acoustic guitar always sounds so amazing. I was sat on her floor [which then became CCB's floor.. how strange], I can't remember why I was there or how her singing came about.. but she pointed to a song she was writing on her mirror at the time, and then started playing through some of her new stuff, which was very good. And got stuck in my head, despite having heard them only once. And I dunno.. it was just a very surreal but very cool experience. The other memory worthy of telling you, is when I have a feeling I was very, very drunk. And I had gone on to FM about how amazing Amy was, and had to demonstrate that amazingness. And somehow, FM and I ended up on Amy's floor, with more intoxicating things, and it was all very strange because I kept shouting at Amy telling her to play, which of course she did. And then I was shouting other things I think.. But again, very weird, but very worth it. I remember feeling very proud, like I was sharing a really shiny thing.

Is there a song of 3 [deathcab] that makes you sad?
'What Sarah Said' 'as each descending peak on the LCD takes you a little farther away from me..'

What is your favorite lyric that 2 [T&S] has sung?
SRSLY. Get a grip, meme. Right. Sigh. Hm.

It's either the opening to Nineteen: 'I felt you in my legs before I ever met you.. and when I laid beside you for the first time I told you.."I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you" and now we're saying bye....'

or this from Not Tonight: 'Love pull your sore ribs in, I will pull your tangles out'

or any other lyric from one of their amazing songs.

How did you get into 3 [deathcab]?
Hmm. One of my friends from school [JL] lent me We Have The Facts and We're Voting Yes. Never looked back.

What was the first song you heard by 1 [jawsh]?
Hmmm. It was.. What You Knew Could Not Be Found, I think..

What is your favorite song by 4 [FR]?
According to play count; Good Arms vs. Bad Arms/The Modern Leper [equal count!]. Which is really the only measure I can use because I adore so many of their songs equally.

How many times have you seen 9 [BP] live?
3.

What is a good memory you have involving 2 (T&S)?
Either seeing them live, FINALLY, in Belfast, having flown back specially for it. Or just being in a T&S mood, and turning the volume up to full and singing my lungs out.

Is there a song of 8 [Metric] that makes you sad?
Collect Call, or Calculation Theme, I guess.

What is your favorite album of 5 [Good Life]?
Hmm. Album of the Year, Black Out or Help Wanted Nights...

What is your favorite lyric that 3 [deathcab] has sung?
'I think I'm drunk enough to drive you home now...'

'Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole, just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound..'

'The glove compartment isn't accurately named, and everybody knows it. So I'm proposing a swift orderly change, because behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm, all I find are souvenirs from better times..'

'As tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn't want to fade, but they did, and so did I that day.'

'synapse to synapse the possibility's thin'

I could actually go on forever...

What is your favorite song of 1 [jawsh]?
By now, you know this is difficult. Synthetics. Blue and Black. Iron and Steel. Disappearance Plans.

What is your favorite song of 10 [Amy]?
Home/ Yellow Light/ Icebergs/ Drive / Where Did The World Go? /The ones she played me but hasn't recored yet, and don't have names.

How many times have you seen 8 [Metric] live?
NEVER. WOE IS ME.

What is your favorite album of 1 [jawsh]?
He doesn't really do albums...

What is a great memory you have considering 9 [BP]?
Either first time live, or getting A Weekend In The City, and having it stuck in my head [in a good way].

What was the first song you heard by 8 [Metric]?
Succexy

What is your favorite cover by 2 [T&S]?
Umbrella? Or When You Were Mine? Don't know if they do lots of recorded covers..

----

Finally done!

What's Your Damage?

So I found an Irish version of T&S.

Goodstuffs.

Anyway. On to today's irritation.

There's been a lot of stuff in the news recently about how terrible the NHS is, and how awesome the American system is. I realise that this is mostly coming from America, where the debate is raging. But I Just. Don't. Get. It.

How can something that treats everyone be worse than nothing?

Sitch A) Person X needs some medical care. Has no insurance. Doesn't come under medicare or medicaid. Person X dies. Person Y needs some medical care. Has insurance. Gets treated. Person Y lives.

Sitch B) Person X needs some medical care. Has no insurance. Gets treated. Person X lives. Person Y needs medical care. Has insurance. Gets treated. Person Y lives.

What is so bad about having more people live?

Can someone explain what I'm missing? Because I'm sure I must be missing some crucial point. And I will admit that I am not very well read on the American Healthcare system.

I don't see why the people who pay for their treatment cannot continue to do so.

The Republican guy they had on newsnight last night completely dodged all the difficult questions fired at him.

So what is it?

Someone spell it out..

Modern Leper

Urgh.

So, I've not really moved since sunday.

I hope this is swine flu. If it's not, I will be so annoyed.

Also, why this week? Hmm? I'm going to feel like such a shit friend for missing TC!'s 21st tomorrow.

Hmm.. tomorrow.. isn't something else happening tomorrow...? Like, I dunno, one of my best friends leaving the country for, like, ever?

God, third year is gonna be weird. I really hope it doesn't suck.

Blegh.

I must be ill. I just lay here and watched 'Max Keeble's Big Move' without even flinching. There were cameos from all the kid show cool kids. It was shiite though.

Sigh. I just want to be comfortable. And not have sore ribs and an annoying throat and..

I'll stop whinging. I wanted this flu.

But... tell me something interesting? Please? It only has to beat the story of how Max Keeble beat the bullies....

ick.

SO ILL.

Bleeeggggghh...

Oink.

I think I might be getting pig flu. I'm not entirely sure though. I have a sore throat, the mutterings of a cough, and a very light head.

Knowing my luck, I just have a shitty virus.

I WANT PIG FLU.

--

Anyways.

Fiesty is close to being scrapped =(

I can't believe how much I attach to inanimate objects.

And, I don't understand cycling. I have a crappy old heavy mountain bike: £60 to fix. Yet all the people in the shop tell me it's not worth it.. when a new bike costs minimum £150. I think my maths must be up the left.

--

Sigh. I feel like shiite. And I wish it was October. But also, not. Like. It would be nice if it could be October 2008 again. Don't want to be a finalist. It had better be the best year ever. Which will be difficult, seeing as plenty of friends are sauntering off to foreign parts. Deep sigh.

Oh well.

Right. Tis nearly the conclusion of Lewis. Best go.

~ over and oink

Grrf.

Hmm.

Sometimes, I really annoy myself. Why do I never say what I actually want to or stick up for myself? I mean, I know why I don't say what I want; it would be too much hassle. It wouldn't make me feel better, no matter how much I think it might. And there's the fact that I don't like it when people talk crap to me. But anyway.

It's been three years. And I get an apology now. I thought, fair enough, I'm used to year+ apologies. So whilst I have absolutely no interest in talking to FW [decided I need an acronym. You can guess what it signifies. Clue: second word 'wit'] again, I figured seeing as the effort to apologise had been made.. I would be polite. So, I asked why FW saw fit to apologise now. 'Ummm.. I dunno, trying to make my peace with the world?! And was listening to coheed for the first time in like, forever..'

Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. I am a method for making peace with the pissing world. I should have told FW to fuck off.

Gah. When I apologise, I mean it. [Long as it isn't one of my lawyer apologies, of course.] Why does nobody who ever has cause to apologise to me do the same? hmm? Like urgh.

I think also, that FW's apology was incredibly selfish. Of course, part of apologising is to make yourself feel better, and stop feeling so shit for doing something a bit off. But like, surely part of it should be because you want to make the person you did wrong to feel better. Sometimes 'oh I was just listening to some music, and like yeah, so totally sorry about all that' just doesn't cut it. What adds to this is phrases like 'I'm not trying to excuse anything but..'

Right.

So you ARE trying to excuse something.

If you were actually sorry about it, you wouldn't mention any 'excuses', you would just suck it up and say sorry.

'Oh. Shit. I was a massive jackass. Better fire off a little note. Don't want a dirty conscience...'

What. The. Fuck.

I don't even know why I'm so irked by this. Or what to do about it really.

Just grr.

FML

I got a message out of the blue from, nah, no acronyms, someone. First line:

'Hey Julz

Um well, this is awkward already.'

Christ. FML.

bleh.

Oo. Midsomer murders.

Anyways.

Am still trying to update myself on music. Any suggestions?

I feel quite bored. Not like right now. But in general. Wish people would talk more.

Hee, CS told me the most awesome story. I mean, it's horrific. But awesome. And something that could only happen to CS.

Arg. Why can I never think of anything when I open this page? Hmm?

Oh well. Nobody else is blogging either. My usual procrastination is muchly reduced. Humph.

Work is going by slowly.

But at least it's something to do.

I wish I had time to do cool stuff.

Q.3

What do you do when a delivery driver runs over your cat?

And who on earth delivers on a Sunday?!

I have finished fake-applying for TCs. I basically spent a long time half filling in lots of forms and not getting any done before the deadline (apart from that one that was in at 23.58). I am awesome. Clearly.

I don't know if I want a job. All this working malarky is very tiring. I can't believe I've only done two weeks. Some bits are really interesting. But some bits can be boring. But the people are lovely and there's good craic. I get to speak nirishly. I am a photocopy-monkey. But I get very tired. And I piss off my friends, by being too tired to go back to Bfast and party and then get up in time for work the next day. Woe is me.

Oo.. I'm watching Lewis. I heart detective dramas.

Why do people have to go to camp? Sadface.

And why do weekends have to be so short?

*whine* I don't waaaaant to go to workkk..

No TCs

Application form sent 2 minutes before the deadline.

That one's a winner..

NOT.